This war is noise.

On a bit of a more positive note than the previous entry!

I hope you all had a great christmas and are enjoying New years :]

I had a really good christmas

Sara and Andy visited christmas eve, I got all really nice and unexpected gifts, and everyone liked theirs that I got for them x] and after we had a really nice dinner [which the only one to finish was me!], we spent a few hours with my grandparents, and it was really nice.

Its amazing that I can really tell the difference in a year if I compare this christmas to last.

And Im feeling really good this new years eve!

Or…new years morning now I guess? lol.

But yes, I did some exercise, had a shower, and then put the bagpipes on at the stroke of midnight, auld lang syne :] dont think Im ever as in touch with the scottish part of me as I am on new years eve.

Reminds me how much I love the culture, the music, and the country itself.

And the people that I briefly grew up and started my life around before we moved back here.

And this year, another change, I actually have resolutions, which I feel a great determination to accomplish!

1. Im gonna work out every day to be where Im at for the Blink 182 gig in June, and beyond. Im gonna get back to doing my physio too again as after it settled I kinda got lax with it. But I know its what I want. Im also gonna get back into the habit of walking bo too, ever since winter properly came in I havnt been out with her again.

2. Im gonna keep tweeking and changing up my eating in order to keep it on the right track. Im also going to make sure I keep a handle on my sleeping patterns, as it does affect my overall health.

3. Im gonna take more pictures. From 2008-2010, I took  pictures all the time, then in 2011 I stopped, so Im definitely going to get back to that again.

4. Im going to focus even more, and work even harder with counselling.

5. Im going to let my hair grow longer again. Its going in the right direction, and my medication is in a fairly stable place now.

6. Im gonna keep focused and develop my artistic skills in the new outlets I have been exploring.

7. Im going to continue and work hard on my relationships with people.

8. Im definitely going to write more, Im letting too much go by, and with me being on medication, there are things I dont want to forget…or that would just be useful to remember lol.

9. Im going to try and sing, properly, full and all out, everyday. And remember to take time for myself.

10. And finallyyy, Im going to think less and do more. Nothing rash, just make decisions, support myself emotionally, do what I know I want to do.

Im really looking forward to being an active part in making this year good for myself. :]

I hope you all will have a great 2012 too!

..and I think its failed.

Not worked out.

Ever since I’ve got ill, I havnt made any irl friends, and most of them instantly faded away, which was alot to do with timing and stuff too, but yeah, it happened.

And although it was really hard, because they all knew eachother beforehand and stuff, I feel like I have tried, at least with two girls that go to the a few of the same classes as me…and that its kinda failed.

Part of me feels like blaming this third girl, because I dont really gel with her, and kinda go into myself a bit when shes around, and when shes there, I dont really get talked to much either.

Almost like they subconsciously pick her over me? But Im fairly sure its not as sinister as that.

Its just me I guess.

Think its annoying me a little because I have no friends and its this time of year, where you’d have people to send cards to and get them from etc and I’ll be helping my mum with hers, and usually help my nanny too.

And I’ll have no one to.

Its sounds really dramatic to get upset over but I think it just emphasised the fact that Im still pretty isolated, despite all the progress Im making.

Then I start to question whether it is real progress and just get more upset.

I really wish things were different.

If I cant meet anyone through the one thing I do go to, because I cant go out and drink or whatever, and dont have something like school or a job to make friends, then am I really just to be alone all the time?

2-3 years I suffered, and it was the one positive out of it.

I lost weight and felt better about myself.

Christmas shopping today, I felt disgusting.

I’d be getting clothes 2 sizes smaller a year ago.

Some clothes my size didnt even fit because of my stupid arms.

My stupid everything.

I feel awful.

I had to try so hard not to get upset right there in the middle of the shops.

I got so deflated that I felt almost back to square one, appearance wise.

I know I’ve been overeating lately, I’ve been trying to ignore it.

Because Im not exercising either.

Im just doing physio.

Its harder this year to recover too.

I hate it. I hate this.

I hate myself for being like this.

It brings me so far down.

Thats the thing about having brains over natural beauty.

You’re smart enough to know how ugly you are.

Pretty much the only way I can describe it.

Was trying to empty out my head so I could get to sleep, got right down in and closed my eyes, and just this train of though popped into my head and I started getting upset.

Sorta thinking about the last week or so, and what I’ll be saying when in counselling.

And how Im feeling.

Im really afraid Im going to die.

Which is strange to say, because for the longest time, it seemed like thats what I wanted.

But yeah..um..y’know when you have those thoughts that you kinda take as whats going to happen…Im kinda getting that.

And its scaring me a fair bit.

I’ve had alot more going on in my life, different people, different things, trying to get a life back I suppose.

And that had been going well, its been hard work, and Im tired, and get pains, but its happening.

And then I started bleeding abnormally.

Im a virgin, and have had strange periods my entire life.

But this was like the start of one, and it just stayed like that, would go away for one day, then back for another few, and it went on like that for well over 2 weeks.

So I went to the doctor, and was examined, which was really hard for me to begin with, as obviously Im the only person that has ever been near it before since I can remember, but aswell as that…I have a tilted womb, so she couldnt see all that she needed to see.

So I have to go to hospital for a full all out examination, which is stressful to say the least. She asked me about having an STD test, even though I’d said I hadnt had sex, which makes me think what did she see?

But maybe thats just a routine thing to ask and make sure to?

And then I had an ECG the next day, and had to have my top half bare for that.

It came back normal, but my blood pressure is still worrying.

The bleeding went away for about 4 days and then came back today.

Alot more of it than before.

What if Im dying? What if when I finally start having a life again, I end up dying..?

After everything my body has dealt with over the last 5 years..it gives up.

And I know getting stressed out and upset over it doesnt help.

But who can I talk to about it?

Im always so alone with this stuff.

And then once you try to get it investigated, everything takes so long.

Esp when I have such an awkward, stupid body.

I think, how can I have made such a mess of things at only 22?

I really hope Im okay.

Movie club were doing it and wow.

Holy shit.

It was so sad, and messed up.

I’ve had it rough, thankfully not as rough as that, but I could really get it.

Well certain parts, the education part was off for me because I’ve thankfully always been smart, and been given opportunities and was never obstructed in that way.

It is a shame that things like that can happen to an innocent human being.

We all feel afterall, why make someone’s life so sad?

Its been awhile since I’ve posted here.

Just got the notion to with thinking alot of stuff over.

I feel like Im coming to the next crossroads in my life soon.

Like theres gonna be a significant change.

And for once, Im feeling more…welcoming towards it.

Change has usually scared me, been something I didnt deal well with.

But now, after all I’ve been through the last year, change has been responsible for all of the good things.

So yeah, Im ready for it.

:]

“Its hard to believe me, it never gets easy,

I guess I knew that all along..”

I think of Brandon Heat from Gungrave all the time with that song.

But its a song that means alot to me, about me and my life up to now.

Think I knew it as soon as I heard it.

I’ve listened to it alot again lately, brought back alot of feelings and has helped me through some new ones.

Things are shifting, moving, redefining themselves.

The more you learn the less you know.

At least as far as people are concerned.

Perceptions well and truly blown of a few people related to me even.

I’ve been feeling really tired in the evenings, and a bit sore.

The cracks are showing, I got majorly upset over that whole photo thing, despite only getting truly upset when left by myself.

I really need to apply what I know, and start changing this repetitive cycle of me being unhappy and unheard due to other peoples action.

Need to look out for myself first cos no one else.

Im important too.

Im a person.

Not something for you to use or have around when its convenient.

Or some secret you keep to yourself.

Im here and Im real.

I think I had a bit of a rough time with counselling today.

From trying to figure out what I feel.

To dealing with the first real time I’ve ever disappointed myself.

I got far more upset talking about it than I thought I would.

I’ve shut myself off from trying to feel anything relating to when I was growing up.

And I dont really know how Im supposed to get it back to deal with it.

I mean you literally spend your time being different people to other different people.

And she asked if I could spot a fake, or if I thought other people could.

Honestly? I dont think so.

People see what they want to see. They’ll take what you tell them if it suits them.

Regardless of who you are or what you’re really feeling.

No one gives a fuck enough to get beneath the surface.

I also didnt answer exactly how I wanted to about where I live.

I dont hate the place, I hate the people, and how they operate it.

My perception at least.

Everything about life around me always seems stuck.

And I feel like the one chance I had to change that, has already gone sometimes.

Im only 22, really shouldnt be feeling that way.

I dunno what I should feel.

I wish I was different so often.

My life, my parents.

My perception.

I dunno if I’ll ever function like Im meant to.

Like whats healthy and normal and nice and happy.

Instead of being stressed, tired, sad and scared.

Instead of being alone.

And feeling like I have to be.

Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

Well, finally completed the end of this meme x]

Highs and lows…well.

I’ve had some pretty rough counselling sessions which are def in there with the lows.

As far as highs…I’ve had a few personal ones I suppose x]

Especially dealing with all this appeal stuff.

And trying to cope with situations I’d otherwise avoid.

Things are fairly up and down for me all the time currently so it ends up being hard to pick up 100% xP

Hope all is well! :]