This war is noise.

Bloody washing machine.
July 6, 2018, 11:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So…few weeks…yeah I’m a bit slow in getting back into the way of doing this. I am not giving up though. Just obviously not in the habit yet x]

Ruby turned 2 on Wednesday, I was in full good form, wasn’t too sore waking up reasonably early after the last few weeks having some issues sleeping with pain/the heat etc. Then the washing machine noped. In summer. In unreasonable temperatures for a summer here, in the middle of the switch between phases of a cycle [though thankfully a convenient one, rinse had just finished and it was on spin and drain] so I had it drain a few times before having to manually squeeze out the clothes and put them through 2 rounds of the dryer. Then when we called the guy that deals with our white appliances…annual leave until the 9th. D: Thankfully my aunt is going to let me use her machine tomorrow, and then hopefully on Monday we’ll get him early and he will actually appear that day with either a part, or less fortunately but necessary, a new machine.

I had a bit of a difficult counselling session at the beginning of the week, though I think it was necessary. I’ve been considering lately a lot about my issues around anxiety and control and exploring that in my head and how I act. Being as self aware as possible is always the first step so definitely closer to being there x] I’m also becoming more aware of how much difficulty I have connecting with my emotional inner self in front of people. Which I think is a big part of why I seem so very emotional and desperate in a lot of my writing and thought cycles because it never gets expressed any other way. I feel like as a kid I was better at it, especially with singing, but when I hit about 14-15, I all of a sudden became very self conscious as I was afraid of people assuming or figuring out almost how I was feeling or how I felt about something if they seen me sing about it. It felt too vulnerable. I also had a difficult thing emotionally happen at the same time too, a particularly significant argument with my father [who has been dead now 6 years] where he said pretty much the last thing he could have to upset me because I’d become so numb to anything else he’d usually say. Its strange but actually acknowledging this and working through how I felt and why I felt it, and how it has affected me up until this point, is actually helping me feel better.

I’m having very vivid dreams lately, which is nice, I enjoy those kinds of dreams. I think its kinda a shame for people who stop dreaming almost altogether, or people who have a lot of unpleasant or nightmare type dreams. I’ve been very lucky that way, so if I can put a positive spin on today, in making sure to notice one positive thing to be grateful for, is my positive vivid dreams.

Hope all is well [:


Almost a week later…oops.
June 24, 2018, 1:19 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

But I am here and present!

Today felt long, but in a good way for a change. With it being the 23rd of June [up until almost 2 hours ago] and watching a video about Selene 6.23, I was very mindful of night and wanting to go out and see the moon tonight, and Jupiter! The skies were pretty clear and all the stars were visible, but Jupiter was definitely more obviously bright and there.

Not as large as in the picture example in the video as it depends where in the world you are of course how you see it but yeah, worth watching the video if you’re at all interested.

My brother got officially engaged today, which feels a bit weird saying lol especially since hes younger than me, and my other cousin the same age as me is getting married very soon so I feel like I’ll soon be the only single person in my family lol. I am happy for him though, and thankfully this is not one of the events that triggers the sadness reaction from me.

I’m finally making some progress getting my sleep pattern worked out, though in saying that it is past 2am right now as I type this so its not a done deal yet x] I have noticed this pain I’ve had around my collar bone and almost into my chest though has lessened now that I’ve finally had at least one decent night’s sleep at a reasonable time. I plan on sleeping soon though as I am pretty tired and dont want to lose the little bit of progress I’ve made x]

I dont have much else going on in my head right now as I am all filled with need for sleep/Jonghyun thoughts so I will go sleep and definitely not take almost a week to next post.

Hope all is well [:

Begin again.
June 18, 2018, 10:40 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So here I am returning to blogging as I previously said I would be.

On the 6th month anniversary of Jonghyun’s passing.

I seen a beautiful crescent moon when I went to let Ruby out for the last time tonight, and I thought of him. I have always found it easier to form fond connections to musicians and people who’s thoughts and opinions I admire than to people I can actually interact with on a daily basis, I think there are a few reasons for this – my love of music before anything else, the ability to get to know more about someone without making yourself vulnerable to the same thing, and also inferring stories and feelings from the things they express that you feel are the same as yours. I find it almost impossible now, as an adult, to make any connection to people like that. I would like that to change, of course.

I have been so inspired by him that I wanted to return to documenting and reflecting on things, which I have got out of the habit of doing. As I said before, I feel like I’m either about to or I have started going through some sort of change in my life and I want to have access to how I think and feel right now, before I’d lose it once whatever happens becomes normal for me.

SHINee are doing so well in their comeback, there is so much other good new music all coming out right now which has also been inspiring.

I go from that though to feeling either tired, sad or both. And the thing bringing about these emotions currently, I almost feel like I’m not meant to feel that way about. Other peoples progress and positivity has been making me sad, which sounds awful to say, but when you feel stuck a lot of the time, its hard to shift that spotlight that then forms on yourself in your mind, highlighting the fact that you’re not doing as well, things for you arent good, you’re not the same. And it doesnt come from a place of jealousy, I am happy for the people that are having positive stuff happening, or being happy, I know it is completely a side effect that I give myself because I cant say the same for me right now.

I’m really wanting to focus on changing that, making things better for myself, because I definitely dont want to feel this way.

I hope all is well.

Feeling better about this summer.
June 15, 2018, 2:45 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s been a while since I could say that I’m feeling somewhat positive about a period of time.

I feel like I’ve done some real work emotionally on myself the last few months and I’m beginning to benefit from it now. Especially with all this new good music coming out atm, how could I not absorb a little of the happy xD

SHINee’s comeback is going so well, Dreamcatcher are my new girl group jam, Ash are back, Ghost are back, State Champs are back, Blossoms are back, Pale Waves new song just came out, I mean it seems like the world is more alive to me right now.

I’ve decided from the 18th of this month onwards, I want to write regularly, everday hopefully, until at least the end of the year. I feel like I’m in the middle of some sort of change and I want to remember how it felt going through it when it eventually becomes the new normal. I read somewhere that when your age ends in a 9, it is often a year of change where you are more likely to sort out your “house”, clean out what you need to and pursue new things, or finally do things you’ve been putting off or are afraid of, and I actually think that could be the case.

I hope all is well with you, whoever manages to find and read this [:

You should for sure check out SHINee’s new single below.

SHINee comeback!
May 30, 2018, 12:35 am
Filed under: Kpop Related | Tags: , , , , , , ,

So an update to the previous posts, the target was unfortunately not reached in time, but an effort was made and is still being made to hit that target soon. It would have been nice of course to have hit 100M by 25th May but it just wasn’t meant to be. It still baffles me a little bit that a BTS video that has been out for 2 weeks could get 114 million views, and that the two SHINee vids out from 2009 and 2010 couldnt have got 6 or 7 million in 3 weeks, but BTS are the big thing right now, in a more international way too, like they are blowing up in America, they’re also younger and so draw in the younger girls, and they don’t have any sadness attached to them either, which is relevant I suppose. Like I said before, there is 0 bitterness in that statement, I am super happy about BTS’s success and their devoted fanbase and that they are really spotlighting Kpop in general right now.


In other news though, SHINee are indeed back! 😀


The MV for their title track Good Evening is out, it’s great, all sorts of references that make it happy and sad at the same time. I will include it in this post if whoever ends up reading this wants to watch it. It is doing well so far, I have ordered their album and wish them all the success in the world, they certainly deserve it. I know Jonghyun would be proud.


Calling any and all Kpop fans…

…that understand english I guess?


I’ve noticed I’ve had no views all month for my previous post about trying to get Lucifer and Ring Ding Dong by SHINee to 100 million views, so I appear to have been talking to myself all month when updating it lolol.

Recently BTS have released their new song “Fake Love”and managed to get over 30 million views in 1 day. I am pleased they are doing so well truly, but I would like to ask if such a thing is possible, with Ring Ding Dong only needing just under 5 million views and Lucifer only needing just under 6 million views to hit their target for their 10th anniversary, that anyone who could help with this could please do so.

There is just over 1 day left as far as Seoul, Korea time, and a little more UK time. If anyone does take the time to read and go over to youtube to watch the music videos, thank you.

For Jonghyun.

It is SHINee’s 10th Anniversary on the 25th May this year.

As a little show of support for them, a lot of fans in the comments of their music videos have expressed it would be nice to get Lucifer and Ring Ding Dong on youtube to the 100m views mark, as they arent too far off, by the time they reach their anniversary.

So if you happen to see this post, and you have some time to spare, please watch the videos, it would be a meaningful tribute to them as they are some of their most popular and older songs, and of course include Jonghyun as well, who sadly will only be with them in spirit for their anniversary this year.

SHINee are so incredibly talented and deserve it, I could sound biased as they are my favourite Kpop band but if you have ever seen videos or been lucky enough to see them live, you’d agree all five are amazing performers.

May 4th 12:25am – 93,448,774 views.

May 4th 1:13pm  – 93,470,163 views.

May 5th 3:17am  – 93,489,404 views.

May 6th 12:15am – 93,521,090 views.

May 6th 3:16pm – 93,541,594 views.

May 7th 2:15am – 93,559,707 views.

May 7th 11:35pm – 93,590,161 views.

May 8th 11:05am – 93,606,121 views.

May 9th 3:40pm – 93,646,866 views.

May 10th 12:15am – 93,661,036 views.

May 10th 2:10pm – 93, 681,386 views.

May 11th 12:23am – 93,697,748 views. [2 weeks left!]

May 11th 1:24pm – 93,716,428 views.

May 11th 11:57pm – 93,733,125 views.

May 12th 10:53am – 93,750,570 views.

May 12th 10:56pm – 93,768,269 views.

May 13th 4:42pm – 93,792,965 views.

May 14th 9:55am – 93,819,234 views.

May 14th 3:52pm – 93,826,251 views.

May 15th 12:31am – 93,842,276 views.

May 15th 11:18pm – 93,877,026 views.

May 16th 4:12am – 93,884,985 views.

May 17th 12:23am – 93,916,156 views.

May 17th 11:53am – 93,936,481 views. [1 week left!]

May 18th 12:40am – 93,950,335 views.

May 18th 9:14 am – 93,965,559 views.

May 19th 12:31am – 93,987,796 views.

May 19th 11:10am – 94,007,894 views.

May 20th 12:52am – 94,033,615 views.

May 20th 7:10pm – 94,055,650 views.

May 21st 11:27am – 94,085,974 views.

May 22nd 1:01am – 94,104,799 views.

May 23rd 2:40pm – 94,165,844 views. [2 days left! Just over 1 day left in Korea]


May 4th 12:28am – 94,831,498 views.

May 4th 1:17pm  – 94,860,481 views.

May 5th 3:26am  – 94,885,770 views.

May 6th 12:19am – 94,929,245 views.

May 6th 3:11pm – 94,956,987 views.

May 7th 2:19am – 94,983,612 views.

May 7th 11:39pm – 95,026,992 views.

May 8th 11:06am – 95,050,245 views.

May 9th 3:42pm – 95,109,198 views.

May 10th 12:17am – 95,130,435 views.

May 10th 2:11pm – 95,160,539 views

May 11th 12:24am – 95,185,326 views. [2 weeks left!]

May 11th 1:27pm – 95,213,457 views.

May 11th 11:58pm – 95,235,875 views.

May 12th 10:57am – 95,262,380 views.

May 12th 10:57pm – 95,285,948 views.

May 13th 4:44pm – 95,320,559 views.

May 14th 9:56am – 95,358,803 views.

May 14th 3:54pm – 95,367,889 views.

May 15th 12:35am – 95,391,198 views.

May 15th 11:14pm – 95,438,656 views.

May 16th 4:16am – 95,450,878 views.

May 17th 12:57am – 95,494,862 views.

May 17th 11:55am – 95,521,400 views. [1 week left!]

May 18th 12:36am – 95,533,196 views.

May 18th 9:10am – 95,554,367 views.

May 19th 12:04am – 95,581,937 views.

May 19th 12:22pm – 95,614,026 views.

May 20th 1:52am – 95,649,805 views.

May 20th 7:16pm – 95,672,184 views.

May 21st 11:32am – 95,718,326 views.

May 22nd 1:06am – 95,740,971 views.

May 23rd 2:27pm – 95,826,302 views. [2 days left! Just over 1 day in Korea]