This war is noise.

I had a few good things come out of today.

I finally got word back about my dermatology appointment. Which will be in february.

And I made an appointment to get help, for thursday.

Im just gonna swallow whatever pride, or shame, or whatever it is, and just ask for the help.

Cos I know I cant keep doing this to myself. Or I am gonna end up dead.

Im not gonna tell my mum if I dont in some way have to.

And I dunno about anyone else. Well apart from people reading this of course.

But I cant keep living this way.

I havnt told a soul some of the things I’ve done to myself, to punish myself, just for being me.

Stuff that I still do. That I have to stop.

Its a shame that, the people I talk to, who live on the other side of the world, have told me I should get help, and no one around me notices.

Im just really glad that they’ve listened to me. Really, really glad.

Indeed!

My instructor is ill so no lesson. I think he was meant to be taking some people for their test today too, and thats why ours was so early, so that reeeeeeally sucks for them.

Ah well, so that is further put on hold >:Z  I was really looking forward to it lol.

I have the hospital on Saturday, then all my back shananigans should be finally over.

Seems so odd to say that after over 2 years x]

I got the avon done on sunday, whatever was with him coming then S: lol and I ended up with two papercuts! I NEVER get papercuts!

I think I’ve had like 3 in my life, and thats two of them right there lol.

Im getting near the end of Crisis Core x] its so goooood. 😀

And I got Puchi Carat finally xD ah old games are still as good.

Hope all is well.

When I dont have a person to vent to.

I’ll type what I want to in here.

So if you just read this to gather up stuff to discuss about me.

Or to all out just judge me, or whatever.

You can go fuck yourself.

When days turn to weeks.

And when that other, shares a mood so scathing to my eyes, I contemplate scratching them out.

Do you think of me?

Are you still even torn?

Does your emotions boil up inside you, or do you even care at all?

Does she see you, and I mean you.

Am I to be tossed aside, when previous your feelings burst and poured endlessly before me.

Do your dreams begin to fade?

Do those songs still spark that thought in you?

Do you remember silly conversations?

I am so filled with questions.

Do you betray me even as I type this?

Is hope really lost?

Am I really alone?

…

I dont know.

Today I’ve felt a bit better.

Just generally less stress going on in my head.

And I got a few things off my chest.

I also finally took pictures of myself since my birthday lol.

Well actually since November.

I think having the bit of a breakdown last night, helped get some of the built up stuff out.

I will be going to the doctors about it though.

Im just really glad I have my best friend in my life. :]

Seems the hospital has decided to fail further and send him back.

When hes ill as fuck, completely out of it, and making my mum ill trying to look after him.

We cant deal with this shit.

WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCKING DIE.

DIE.

DIE.

DIE.

Dads being taken away again. :]

Well, things might be able to improve afterall lol.

I really need to go to the docs soon though

Before I hate myself to death.

..literally.