This war is noise.

March 30, 2009, 12:49 am
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Sorry I’ve been a bit absent in posting last couple of days.

Heads been elsewhere really, so updates indeed!

No real plans for this week only driving lesson on tuesday.

Watched Billy Connolly again tonight, funny as xD

Had so many awkward conversations this weekend.

My brother had an atrocious time at work the last couple of days, and hes going to quit. Hes going to the tech about it first obviously so they can sort him something before he does to keep up with his course requirements, but yeah.

The man went totally beyond the line. He basically said to my brother, as he was looking to change his sunday work to another day as it was draining money, that he could just cut his day, cos they didnt really care if he got his training or not. o_o Like really, why offer the tech the opportunity of sending people, if you clearly dont want to train them really. And of course my brother, and the other chef he was talking to, just glared in disbelief at the guy that owns the place after he said that. My brother was made to feel like he didnt matter at all and that he was stupid for not knowing whatever it was they were trying to get him to do at the time, which they’re supposed to be training him to do anyways -.- I mean really. So yeah, not impressed at all. Should go to the papers really, have the place’s reputation shot to hell cos hes that much of a self important selfish bastard. >:Z

But anyways. Also it was Charlottes 18th birthday on wednesday and her party on friday. There was quite a hiccup during the party that led to a small minded girl making a huge overreaction. All is sorted now but still, sometimes “friends” can be such wankers.

Hope all is well with everyone and shall be back to ze regularness. :]

March 27, 2009, 12:47 am
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My brother is sitting telling me about the people at his tech and the impressions xD dying of laughter lol.

I have shopping and my driving lesson tomorrow :]

My wounds have healed up really well.

I got Legend Of Dragoon, but it stops working at a certain part on the first disc D:!!!!!! And I paid so much for the damn thing. But I love the game so, gonna have to look for a replacement :/ lol.

I love Nathan :]

Hope all is well with everyone [:

March 22, 2009, 8:07 pm
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My heads going insane with all these thoughts.

I wish I’d never talked about it.

And now I really need to talk.


Yay for the little freedoms.
March 21, 2009, 9:17 pm
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So today I had the house to myself most of the day, got to listen to music on the music channels ;D ..and dance about the living room >.> lol.

And now Im listening to music, blasting ittt ;D and loving it.

Got all my mothers day cards [mum, nanny and my great aunt] sorted, and the avon sorted. :]

Showerrr this evening ;D I’ve had to like wash with a washcloth at the sink and make sure it doesnt go near my stomach since I got back D: was for my own good though lol like when I had my back surgery.

But yesss, tonight ;D

Im in a good mood for some reason tonight.

Dunno why, cos I dont have much reason to be.

But Im glad all the same. :]

Cup Of Coffee.
March 20, 2009, 8:51 pm
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You tell me you don’t love me,
Over a cup of coffee,
And I just have to look away.
A million miles between us,
Planets crash into dust,
I just let it fade away.

I’m walking empty streets,
Hoping we might meet,
I see your car parked on the road.
The light on at your window,
I know for sure that you’re home,
But I just have to pass on by.

So no, of course, we can’t be friends,
Not while I’m still this obsessed,
I guess I always knew the score,
This is how our story ends.

I smoke your brand of cigarettes,
And pray that you might give me a call.
I lie around in bed all day, just staring at the walls.
Hanging round bars at night, wishing I had never been born,
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home.

So no, of course, we can’t be friends,
Not while I still feel like this,
I guess I always knew the score,
This is where our story ends.

You left behind some clothes,
My belly somersaults,
When I pick them off the floor.
My friends all say they’re worried,
I’m looking far too skinny,
I’ve stopped returning all their calls.

And no, of course, we can’t be friends,
Not while I’m still so obsessed,
I want to ask where I went wrong,
But don’t say anything at all.

It took a cup of coffee…
…To prove that you don’t love me.

Cup of Coffee – Garbage.

Heard this song the other day and it just struck me. Its a beautiful song.

With voices unheard.
March 18, 2009, 11:45 pm
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Ever since coming back from hospital, I’ve felt really alone.

Havnt heard from Anderson, or Miranda. My mums barely taking any notice of me. My brother is here and there.

Still havnt heard from Nathan.

People arent really listening when I talk to them, and I ask for things and they tell me they’ll do them, and they dont. I know all of that seems small but built up, it isnt.

In fact the only person really trying with me is Belly. Who Im really thankful for.

Ang is too, but its scarce and I understand, cos shes busy.

And Charlottes busy too, aswell as obviously dealing with something [she tends to go quieter when she is].

I had my dressings changed today and that went horribly wrong.

She took them off, then put some cream on the two she was going to re-cover, and when she went to put these strips on [they were tiny and of no use] they wouldnt stick. Then she gave me some meopore [sp?] just incase. Obviously, “just incase” was as soon as I got home, then they wouldnt even stick properly. So I had to get mum to get some decent ones and I finally got them covered again.

I feel like no one really wants to help, and when I ask, like Im just a burden.

I dunno what to do.

I feel so down. Sitting crying like a fool as I type this lol.

I caught up with my friend from highschool that I hadnt talked to in a long time. Shes getting married in June, like literally weeks after she turns 20. Shes younger than me and has a job, place, planning a wedding etc, all this crazy stuff lol.

Makes me feel old. And at the same time, like I’ve really failed already.

I have no real direction or purpose.

With barely anyone talking to me or wanting me around.

I feel ashamed for even existing really right now.

Holy crap I feel terrible lol.
March 16, 2009, 12:44 am
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So I started feeling a little ill and sore, and decided painkillers would be a good idea.

But no I feel worse lol alot more nauseous and headachey.

Im probably going to sleep soon.

Quiet day.

Havnt heard from Nathan in over a week, kinda fails huh, you’d think he’d maybe wanna know if Im still alive lol.

Im slowly catching up with everyone though :]

And since then..
March 14, 2009, 1:28 pm
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I decided I’d take my stronger painkillers, since my shoulders were really killing me, I’ve caught up a little with charlotte but no one else really yet, which I need to! Lol.

My shoulders seem alright this morning, and I checked my wounds and they all seem ok too.

I was told the strips will come off in 7 to 10 days. But Im going to go over to the doctors and have the nurse change them a couple of times. Im not taking any risks lol. After being in a decent hospital for my back, I know what wont give me an infection and kill me xD so Im lucky there.

I have the avon to start back on and stuff like that. Also found out I’d lost more weight since January lol when they weighed me, which was good xP

So I’ll just be taking it easy for another while I guess :]

Hope all has been well for everyone!

I am back and alive.
March 14, 2009, 1:21 pm
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I have some notes Im going to type up from the first day, and then continue with the second and third from my head cos I couldnt really take notes from then on lol.

“So we left the house at the right time, Grandad took us into town, as he was taking dad on into daycare after leaving us with my cousin, who was taking us to the hospital. She had 2 of her 5 kids there, which I wasnt expecting, but it ended up being a better thing than I’d have first thought lol.

So the drive down goes fine, until a couple of miles, literally a couple lol from the hospital, the left front tire blows out.

My cousin checks the boot, her husband forgot to put the spare back in the car.

So she has to call someone back in town, to go pick it up from her house, then bring it out to us, and we’re just on a dual carriageway, pulled up at some petrol station lol.

At this point, I asked mum had she even called to make sure the hospital had a bed. And she hadnt lol. SO, she starts calling people, and eventually Im told, I have a bed, in a different ward to the one on my letter lol

The guy then takes 2 1/2 hours to find us LOL. As her husband told him we were at the hospital, instead of where we actually were lol and then had trouble finding the right petrol station lol so that was rather amusing. I thankfully had my phone for music and some nestea with me to drink lol. Though all the rest of them went and got chocolate from the garage, I wasnt exactly planning on doing the same lol.

We eventually arrived at the hospital at 1pm [my original time was 10:30am lol] and I was put into the “day room” at the bottom of the ward as there was no beds in the bays or side wards. The TV is broken, my bed wasnt even made up til 2:30pm [time of writing this] and no one even came to see me until 15 mins ago. I finished reading my new book already, and Sara says she’ll come and visit this evening [as the after lunch visiting hours were too close to make.] I’ve brought quite a few books with me, they’ll hopefully distract me from how poor this place really is. The paints coming off the walls, they have old chairs and stuff stored in this room. The windows are so bad and drafty, like the windows that were on my house before we got double glazing in [and my house was originally built in the 50’s]. The toilets are a bit grim, there are used pans everywhere for peoples samples, and the nurses dont pick them up for ages. There was one practically almost dried in. And someone had put one on the shelf were the paper towels for drying your hands are go. Its just horrid. Makes me appreciate just how good the hospital in England actually was 100 times more. I have wipes and tissues with me so I can at least keep stuff clean. I really wish I could just go back home, I hate it here already.


The room Im in had two beds in it, and the one next to me hadnt been tidied from when the lady had went home this morning. She had cleared out so fast she’d forgot her cards, tissues, and a bottle of water lol. The inside of one of the cards was facing me –



[generic get well soon card writing]

Please get well soon…

I’m missing having you at home

I Love You Loads






I thought it was really sweet. Makes me wish I’d get a card like that.


4:35pm – I’ve had my blood tests, blood pressure taken, heart scan, chest checked and finally have seen Dr. Spence [the orig guy that referred me for the operation]. Heard him and a bunch of doctors discussing me out in the corridor first lol rather odd listening to it. They all came in, did a brief check on my stomach, then said 95% keyhole, 5 % open surgery, like he had before. If all goes well I could be home on friday, which I REALLY hope I am. These last two hours I’ve spent reading through my driving theory book and explaining atheism to “Cha”, one of the nurses that came, who took my blood pressure.”

Those are the last of the notes as I was moved and stuff after this. “Cha” was really lazy and forgetful, and I had to remind her to do things she’d told me 5 mins ago that she was going to do. They forgot to even feed me. So when she came back to give me some stockings for clots, she asked had I had dinner, and I said no. I then was given a turkey sandwich and a cup of tea, as the kitchen was closed. Both tasted like shit but I knew if I was going to come through the operation ok, I had to get energy into me lol and I had only had branflakes and the nestea all day. It was after that that they moved me into side ward 3. Private room, own toilet and sink, a tv that worked, was a little cleaner, and the paint a little less damaged lol. Sara never appeared, she had went out for dinner, and ended up with food poisoning, so she spent all that night being sick. I felt really alone and isolated, and got upset a few times quietly to myself. Texted charlotte a bit and she rang me, then mum rang to check up on me anyways. I had found out I was having my operation at 8am. Had a look at the showers, that werent the nicest looking things either, but I wanted one so I asked for some towels, and had one. They then woke me at 6:30am, checked blood pressure, then left the gown for the operation with me and said to have a shower before I go for the op. So I went down to the showers again and theres a half naked old lady at the sink lol asking some other poor woman to get her her towel from the ward lol so I avoided looking in and went to a chair at the side of the door, then the lady came back and said one of the showers were free, so I went on in, keeping my eyes straight ahead lol and had the shower. Watched tv for a little bit, then a guy came to take me down to theatre. He was friendly and nice, and probably the most likeable character I’d come across in the hospital. He said hello to his mum on the way there lol which I dont know if she actually was or not lol funny all the same. Then when I got down to surgery, they asked me had I had a tablet this morning before my operation, I said no, they checked the notes and someone had signed for it at 7am. I was in the shower. They forge fucking notes lol. So the guys werent to happy with that, but we went on ahead, IV was put in, they started doing other positionings with my arm, mask went on, and then I was soon out. Woke up in the recovery bay, and I could feel one wound more than the rest and thought oh fuck they’ve had to cut me open lol but they hadnt, it had all went as good as it could have. I also felt really nauseous and had to get the oxygen mask off asap before I threw up in it. I hate those, the air makes your throat so dry and cold and awful. They gave me something for the pain and nausea, he also noticed a bit of a rash on my arm down from where the IV was, so he put a cloth on that. They gave me one for my head too and I soon felt alright. I was taken back to the ward finally at 11:30am. I rang and texted people to let them know I was alright, watched tv, started drinking plenty and had some toast, as the sooner you pee after an operation, the sooner you’ll get home lol. I cleaned myself up a bit, as they had left iodine on me, and some sticky things. My shoulders hurt like hell, and apparently its to do with when they blow you up to do the keyhole, the air puts alot of pressure on your shoulders and you get all aches around your collarbone too etc, which I really did lol was bothering me alot more than the actual wounds were lol. Mum arrived first to visit at 2:30pm and Sara arrived not long after. Mum stayed til half 3 and Sara stayed full time til the end of visiting, which was 4:30pm. I then had some more toast for dinner, and managed to get through a whole bottle of dilutant juice/3 jugs of ice water, and they removed the drip and stuff from me cos I was eating and drinking fine. Mum brought me in pancakes and crisps and chocolate lol and I had the pancakes and chocolate that night :P. Cha came in and told me she’d get me some medication, and then never brought it, but signed for it before hand, so the next time a nurse appeared, I asked about it and all she could say was she forgot lol. They have no idea in this place lol. I cleaned myself up some more, and changed out of the gown into my pjs [they never took the gown away until I was being picked up lol] and watched tv. I couldnt seem to sleep, and ended up watching something on the Yorkshire ripper, then watched the Wicker man. Finally got to sleep around 2 or 3am, then at 5:30am they came to check my blood pressure, was RAGING lol. I fell asleep for a little after that, then mum rang me at 7:30am anyway, to check if I’d had any word of getting home yet. The nurse had said before that the doctor would see me and I should be getting home today, around lunch time. So that was fine.

Nurse came in to give me breakfast, which was a small bowl of branflakes and some toast, and then said what would I like for lunch. I didnt feel like much, and I was going home so I said she could leave it but she was all “You have to have something!” so I was like ok toast lol lunchtime came and went, and they never fed me lmao again. So I got a packet of crisps and ate those from what mum had brought in. The doctor came and seen me, said once the note and script for my meds came through I could go. I got dressed and packed up, Mum appeared at 2pm, I was in the car and away by 3pm, and got home by 4pm lol. AND NEVER AGAIN, do I want to see that hospital lol.

Eight and a half hours to go.
March 11, 2009, 12:34 am
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Just 8 1/2 hrs til Im off to hospital.

Gallbladder operation.

Which Im actually having on Thursday, it seems.

They’re going to do tests on me tomorrow, operate on me on thursday, then the earliest I can leave is friday.

Not exactly what I was planning on.

So I’ll be doing alot of reading.

No internet. No electronics of any kind [not even allowed my mobile charger -.-]

I can def see me feeling a little isolated lol.

But Saras going to visit me I think :] and Charlotte is demanding phonecalls lol so yeah.

I’ll let you all know asap when I get back how things went.

I’ll make diary entries and then type them up 😛 give me something to do x]

Well, I hope everyone is well.

Until I return, I bid you, Adieu.

-tips hat.-