This war is noise.

Posting regularly?!
June 24, 2009, 1:02 pm
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Yeah I know, who’d have thought 😛

Guess I just feel like typing again.

Feel like telling people the nonsense than seems to run my life 😛

Had a bit of a freak out yesterday. Shouted at mum, went upstairs, put music on as loud as I fancied, started aggressively tidying, changed my bedsheets, then hoovered [or vacuumed if you arent familiar with that lol] and was ramming that into the walls and stuff, singing obnoxiously as I went. When I was spoken to, going back and forth from downstairs, I was pretty much a bitch lol. Felt fucking WONDERFUL lol.

Im sick of being made to feel like I dont matter in this house.

I was sat there, listening to music, dad decided he wanted to sit outside, so he said to mum, put my music on, so while I was sitting watching/listening to it on tv, she just put it on, not a word or a thought. So I of course decided fuck that, and plainly said “I love how Im sitting here trying to listen to music and you just put that on, like I dont fucking exist or something” to which she said “Well he told me to put it on, what am I supposed to do?” “oh aye, and hes the only one that matters in the house, fuck everyone else?” to which she just looked at me.

Its amazing what tips the scale 😛

I have some phonecalls to make today, since I didnt yesterday and I was too tired and clearly not in the mood lol.

The suns out, weathers nice.

Shame about the hayfever hm -.- lol.


Post-it Love!
June 24, 2009, 12:41 pm
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So this is the cutest thing I’ve seen for awhile x]

Its far too warm to sleep.
June 24, 2009, 2:39 am
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“Why does my memory of you never fade?”

“Why do you ask me? I am what you remember, and therefore clearly cannot answer.”

“The stone…and how you just took the consequences, unflinching.”

“I knew I’d gone too far.”

“The way you looked into my eyes that day.”

“I saw in you what I continued to, until the day you finally sent me off for good.”

“I wish I never had.”

“Maybe that is why I never fade.”

“I took it for bullying..torture..”

“Both our maturity and emotional speed were overestimated within ourselves at the time.”

“Still though, not entirely overestimated.”


“I had fe-“

“Dont. If you say that you will conjure what you’d like to hear, and you’ll never say what you want to say.”

“I didnt know how to care at the time.”

“Im sure I’ve figured that out by now.”

“If you were you…weird thing to ask…would you listen to me now?”

“I’d like to think so. I certainly cared.”

“I know. I seen it on your face.”

“Its surprising the reaction you can muster on anothers face with one word and a bad intention behind it.”

“That day still replays in my head.”

“As do I.”

“What should I do?”

“I honestly dont know, it has been so long, and you’ve changed…alot. You’ve destroyed yourself.”

“Im only twenty.”

“You’ve been suffering from ten. I remember back then too, the conkers…that one summer where random gatherings occured. That bus journey, that break up.”

“I hope I didnt speak out of turn.”

“Who knows if you did? I am only what you remember.”

“I suppose so. And those rumours..”

“I’d like to think those were untrue…she was disgusting.”

“I know, now more so than then.”

“The accident washed such things away.”


“You need help.”

“I dream of you still.”

“I know. You are now.”

“I’m what?”


Today failed.
June 22, 2009, 4:01 am
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As a first note, I would like to say – fuck father’s day.

Not because of what it stands for, or how its been commercialised or anything else like that.

Just simply, fuck it.

Its possibly the most, if not at least in the top 3, awkward day/s of the year.

The main reason being me and my brother have to pretend that he deserves to get anything from us, and then give him something.

This year it was a CD and a card. The CD was an Elvis greatest hits one, since he’d been complaining to mum for a couple of weeks for one, so me and my brother went to the shops. I picked out the card, also picked out the cd, paid half, I wrap the damn thing, I write out everything bar my brothers actual name, and then I gave it to my brother to give to him, as I just cant fake that shit lol.

He was sitting with some stupid smug look on his face so my brother said to him “well you look pretty please with yourself” and my dad replied “yeah, cos Im getting something, where is [myname]’s present”, then my mum and brother both told him it was from the both of us, to which he then said “ohhh no, she doesnt get off that easy” or words to that effect. So I went downstairs, pretty set in my mind that if he said one word about it, I would simply say if he believed I’d had no part in it, then fair enough, I will have no part in his gifts from now on. And thats a promise he’d be able to count on. But he said nothing. Such a coward of a bitch, as usual.

I then had everyone asking me why I was in a bad mood, or just telling me that I was in one, purely because I was quiet. Which was due to the fact that I was just tired, and no one had bothered with me for the first 3 hours I was awake, so I didnt feel the need to try and talk to them. And their asking and telling me then did put me in a bad mood.

I went back upstairs and some more bitching began, mum asking my brother if I was getting in the shower cos of the time, and we had to take the dog out, him saying hes not my keeper, and that Im being lazy [which I wasnt] and dad saying to go on the walk without me, “fuck her”. So my brother came upstairs to ask me and his tone soon changed as he walked up the stairs and realised I’d been listening. The “oh fuck we’ve been caught out bitching so I better act awkwardly nice” tone came out.

The title father is for those that earn it. Respect is earned, not granted.

And if you fuck up your kids, dont expect them to be there when you come crashing down.

Cos you wont deserve it. And they wont be.

To all the good dads, thanks for being different? Lol. And doing what a father really should do.

I know such men exist, as my Grandfather [on my mothers side, go figure]  is one.

And to anyone who had an equally shit day, console yourself in the fact that no one is immortal. You will not have to go through this forever. There will be life after this person has left your life. You will be free.

A trying time…
June 21, 2009, 1:26 pm
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…but Im dealing with things as best I can.

The deal with my benefits right now is so ridiculous. Hopefully I’ll be able to sort it more on Monday, or I’m likely to shoot someone in the face lol.

My back is continuing to give me bother, Im not sleeping well at all and I still havnt heard from physio. Which means another doctors appointment is in order.

I feel pretty stressed out all in all.

And on top of that, barely anyones talking to me lately. Im just glad Belly still does x]

I have been trying to distract myself though, exercising, watching movies, reading.

Anything to try and help.

Lol I started typing this last night and never finished cos I got distracted watching Alice In Wonderland xD

Hope all is well :]

June 17, 2009, 2:16 am
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Totally worth watching.

Im sorry?
June 17, 2009, 2:15 am
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I havnt felt much like posting lately.

I dont exactly know why either.

I guess just trying to distract myself more, probably.

I’ve been playing games and starting a new book and talking to new people and talking to people I already know lol and yeah.

Not to make me sound especially busy, cos Im not.

Though my back is still bothering me, still no word from the physio, and still no joy with sorting my benefits out.

Been walking the dog to the bridge for a week or so now, and thats going well ^.^ shes getting used to the lead, and looking forward to going out, not just associating the lead with the vet x]

Month and a half and still no word. Probably over that now actually.

Ah well.

If they’re not worried about me, why worry about them, right?

Though it gives me this feeling that I was emotionally built for things I’ll probably never have.


Ah well, there is only forwards.

And Im going to stop blogging for now before my mood crashes xD

Hope all is well :]