This war is noise.

Still sleeping odd.
November 12, 2009, 6:21 am
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Im not even sure I made it to 7pm last night lol.

Woke up around 4:30 this morning x]

Back is kinda bugging me a bit.

Its so colddddd.

Dinner was awful.

Im home alone today again x] definitely going to tidy lol.

And I mean it this time, as Im going to shower and stuff right after Im done with this blog, so I have no reason to put it off.

My L squiby and Spyro squiby evolved today, yayyy.

I do actually get excited when those change lolol.

New laptop is only 2 days away now :O

Shopping tomorrow [:

Yeah, the exciting days are not today lol.

Hope everyone had a respectable Nov 11th. :]

Click a squiby? :]

Angel Sanctuary!
November 11, 2009, 7:19 am
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Since Angel Sanctuary has been my favourite obsession lately lol I thought I’d display some of the awesome here :]

Feeling a bit better.
November 11, 2009, 7:04 am
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So the ride on the rollercoaster is on a bit of a rise?

I dont know.

I do feel better though, I talked with Vanessa about how I felt and how my cousin had taken it, and she seen things a totally different way, and was supportive, and Im so glad.

I actually talked to Nathan about it too, and he was really supportive too.

I had physio yesterday, it wasnt as sore this time thankfully.

Avon is done.

Sleeping is almost normal.

The draft coming from my window needs to die.

I still reeeeeeeeeeally need to clean lol once I get started I’ll be fine, its just the getting started, cos once I do, I’ll go OCD on the matter.

New laptop on saturday :]!

I’ve finally decided to get some eyeshadow primer potion. Urban Decay apparently being the best, gonna get some of that.

Face effort and all that.

Exercise and physio = must do more of.

I lovelovelove Angel Sanctuary!

Click a squiby? :]

I love this song.
November 11, 2009, 6:07 am
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And I’d encourage everyone to listen to it :]

November 9, 2009, 8:21 am
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I decided I would tell my cousin about how I felt yesterday.

I wish I hadnt.

People just tell you to deal with everything yourself instead of offer to help.

Everything  just reinforces the fact that no one cares, and no one wants to.

I’ve been thinking about killing myself since I woke up at 2:30am. No one would be bothered, because they arent when Im alive, why would they be if Im finally gone and out of the way. And I’d finally stop being miserable. I have plenty of medication I could take. At the same time, if someone found me, revived me and made me live and my brain had suffered, I couldnt handle that. The very idea of them keeping me alive to be a mindless vegetable, just sitting there in torture, confusion and pain, cos I would still have my stomach problems an back problems too.

See a bit part of me still wants to matter to people. Even though I dont think I ever will.

Its the second day I’ve been crying on and off.

I wish I was worth it.

I hate it.
November 8, 2009, 1:21 pm
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I hate how in this world we are made to feel like we’re not good enough, constantly struggling to impersonate this vision that is simply not real…that we know isnt on the most basic logical level, but we still do. And we hate that we’re not it.

I hate that its perfectly fine for people to exist and no one to care about them. I hate the fact people can easily forget people that come into their lives. That they dont appreciate anyone truly, unless maybe if they’re already gone.

I hate that good and honest people have hard times, when wretched people seem to have it easy.

I hate that Im too different. That I got ill at an important time socially in my life. That almost everyone has easily forgotten me. That most people I talked to online when I was ill lied. That I feel trapped, ill, sore, and alone, alot of the time. That Im happier when Im reading or asleep. That I dont really have much of a life. And that I dont feel I can complain about it.

I hate that Im not okay. And I hate that no one cares that Im not.

November 8, 2009, 6:19 am
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If anyone reading this would like to help me level my squibys, the link is here.

Say no to applebugs.
November 8, 2009, 6:01 am
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So after getting two apples with bugs in them, Im staying away from American apples, eff that.

The ones from portugal I have right now are just fine x]

I have all the Angel Sanctuary books now, yay! ❤

My sleeping pattern is way off atm lol but its steadily getting more normal.

I need to tidy soon, very soon.

Im getting a new laptop next saturday, yay 😀 plus no dad all week.

So good. x]

Hope all is well!

I love this girls videos :]
November 3, 2009, 1:27 am
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The things ill people say.
November 2, 2009, 2:57 am
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You know those days where you randomly think of stuff you would rather have done a little different, where your mood was just wrong, and you ended up lashing out, or saying something you wouldnt normally say, or saying the first awful thing that came to mind just to be left alone at that particular moment in time.

I think I’ve had a few of those moments in the last year or so.

And to anyone I’ve done that to, Im actually really sorry.

With being ill, I’ve become a bit more odd than even I used to be.

I find being around friends kind of difficult at times and I dont know exactly why.

Well, I know I’ve spent alot of time by myself, and its made me more used to that than being around people.

And its not that I like anyone any less or anything.

I think I need to be re-socialised lol.

At the same time though, I’ve went through changes due to the illness. My skin and things bother me quite a bit.

I feel rather self conscious, and dont like the fact that I do.

Cos everyone tells me Im looking well or good even lol and I feel like a fraud almost.

Cos I dont feel that way.

Im not trying to shut everyone out, seriously.