This war is noise.

Just to explain.
October 19, 2010, 2:14 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

For anyone that does read my blog, I have been posting lately, but I’ve been doing it on private, because Im writing down what I go through with my therapy homework x]

I’ve been doing okay, though I’ve been sore, and feeling ill.

Things with him are now looking for a decision.

Maybe not the initial decision, but one we have been avoiding in a way.

So we have two weeks of no pressure.

I have the doctors on thursday and counselling on friday.

I think the walking to the trees and talking has been helping.

And although I’ve been feeling pretty rough lately, emotionally I think Im doing okay.

At least I hope so.

I hope I can get more sessions organised.

I dont want to just be left when Im not finished.

Im not “unfucked” lol.

Hope all is well :]

Weight Of The World – Young Guns.
October 13, 2010, 11:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

A continent of doubt weighs heavy on mind,
and how long can my brittle bones bend,
before they yield and snap?

I don’t wanna know, ’cause i’m so scared,
isnt it gonna get easier than this?
because it’s too much to bare my darlin’, the weight of the world,
and I would carry it for you,
but please don’t ask me to because the
weight of the world is a burden i can’t bare.
Is a burden I can’t bare.

Maybe it’s gravity, that pulls her to my chest,
not the fear that she is the source of what little strength i’ve got left,

I don’t wanna know, ’cause i’m so scared,
isnt it gonna get easier than this?
because it’s too much to bare my darlin’, the weight of the world,
and I would carry it for you,
but please don’t ask me to because the
weight of the world is a burden i can’t bare.

My horizon lies a jagged line,
ooh I can clearly see,
the mountains that i’ve yet to climb,
i’ll get there if it kills me.

because it’s too much to bare my darlin’,
the weight of the world,
and I would carry it for you,
but please don’t ask me to because the
weight of the world is a burden I cant bare.
is a burden I can’t bear.
and I would carry it for you,
but please don’t ask me to,
because the,
weight of the world,
is a burden I can’t bare.

Its too much to bare, my darling.
October 13, 2010, 11:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So to update from before, citizens advice went okay, filled out most of one form.

Not that much of the other, but meh.

I still have to send them away…kinda procrastinating a little with one of them.

I had the scope down yesterday, I have a hiatus hernia in my gullet, and a lax passage way between it and my stomach.

I..just get more and more issues.

I just feel like Im turning into a complete wreck from the inside out.

I have counselling tomorrow, which I’ll finish off the form I need to with.

I’ve been going over so much in my head.

I feel incredibly sad.

I feel like I have alot of pressure in my head.

He isnt really helping right now, but hes going through stuff too, so I cant be too mad.

I’ve tried talking to Sara a couple times lately, but havnt got a reply..dunno whats going on there.

Maybe she’ll abandon me too.

I guess I wouldnt blame her…Im not exactly great company to anyone.

People dont generally want to ever stick around for me either.

I can never trust anyone.

When I try…I just get reminded of why I shouldnt.

Im never wanted. Not really.

Im just useful.

Just used.

Eva asks me to lean on her, but how can I lean on anyone? Im always left alone in the end.

Plus I dont even know if I can get more sessions or not.

Maybe only people with money deserve to get better.

Im surely well out of my depth if thats the case.

Sometimes I just want everything to stop.

I sat so long over that question…and then answered it for what I thought best to put.

But of course I think about dying.

I think about it all the time.

Im just suffering all the time Im awake.

Whats the point in a life like that?

And the little help that I do ask for, gets taken away…all the time.

Im making excuses about showering so I can go into the bathroom and cry by myself.

I probably wont sleep very well tonight.

I really wish I would though.

If I find any peace at all, its when Im asleep.

And away from this nightmare.

October 5, 2010, 12:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Maybe some barrier is coming down or something, something I’ve had protecting myself.

But Im crying alot lately.

Playing out conversations in my head. Im considering writing some of them down, and maybe there will be something there that I wouldnt necessarily think to say.

I’ve felt rather claustrophic lately too, like I need time and space away from everyone and everything to just breathe.

And what ends up being more irritating is when I feel that way, everyone in the immediate area wants to be in my face lol.

Been watching Basilisk and it just ended, it is sad, but a good anime.

Im guessing it’ll be speedgrapher next.

I have the citizens advice appointment tomorrow.

I kinda just wish I could hide right now.


Admit it to yourself.
October 4, 2010, 3:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Allow yourself to be upset when you feel it.

Expect what you should, respect.

Your feelings matter too.

Dont sell yourself short.

Know what you deserve, and accept nothing less.

I need to really put this in to practice.

I need to start feeling worth something.

By giving myself the best possible chance.

I need to take more control.


Update of sorts.
October 4, 2010, 1:23 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Well, the visit to the job centre went pretty well, Im going back on to the condition management program finally, now that my physio is almost over. I bought a couple of books and some candles since I was in a fairly good mood, and then when I got home, I got the letter I didnt want.


So its another appointment with Citizens Advice x] but yeah, hopefully I’ll get things sorted.

Thursday, had my next counselling appointment, was getting difficult again, but in a good way, and it’ll be two weeks again til I see her.

I really feel like Im going to get somewhere, wherever that is, Im not sure.

Still been keeping in touch with Sara :]  its nice having her to talk to about this stuff.

I’ve been talking to him kinda regularly :] which has been nice. We’ve been fairly close too, which is good.

I probably need to have a talk about a couple of things though, that I’ve just been kinda avoiding I suppose.

Had the doctors on friday and my blood pressure has come down a fair bit so thats good 😀

Saturday I was trying to spend most of it alone lol.

And yesterday I actually started tidying out my room finally lol. Which I have to continue soon.

Today I’ve been doing the avon and waiting for him to appear, hopefully x]

Though I read something I shouldnt have. And now Im paying for it x] but oh well.

Like I’ve said before, I’d rather know.

Looks like next week is going to be busy for me.

Having the scope down on tuesday, counselling thursday and condition management program on friday.

At least for this week I just have citizens advice x]

Oh and when tidying out my room, I dropped a dvd on my keyboard and jammed my S key, and when trying to unjam it it came right out so I have to get a replacement x] my cousins bf works with computers thankfully so hes going to get me one and put it in for me ;D yay lol.

Least I can still use it for now aswell, cos S is pretty common lol.

Hope all is well :]