This war is noise.


Its too much to bare, my darling.
October 13, 2010, 11:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So to update from before, citizens advice went okay, filled out most of one form.

Not that much of the other, but meh.

I still have to send them away…kinda procrastinating a little with one of them.

I had the scope down yesterday, I have a hiatus hernia in my gullet, and a lax passage way between it and my stomach.

I..just get more and more issues.

I just feel like Im turning into a complete wreck from the inside out.

I have counselling tomorrow, which I’ll finish off the form I need to with.

I’ve been going over so much in my head.

I feel incredibly sad.

I feel like I have alot of pressure in my head.

He isnt really helping right now, but hes going through stuff too, so I cant be too mad.

I’ve tried talking to Sara a couple times lately, but havnt got a reply..dunno whats going on there.

Maybe she’ll abandon me too.

I guess I wouldnt blame her…Im not exactly great company to anyone.

People dont generally want to ever stick around for me either.

I can never trust anyone.

When I try…I just get reminded of why I shouldnt.

Im never wanted. Not really.

Im just useful.

Just used.

Eva asks me to lean on her, but how can I lean on anyone? Im always left alone in the end.

Plus I dont even know if I can get more sessions or not.

Maybe only people with money deserve to get better.

Im surely well out of my depth if thats the case.

Sometimes I just want everything to stop.

I sat so long over that question…and then answered it for what I thought best to put.

But of course I think about dying.

I think about it all the time.

Im just suffering all the time Im awake.

Whats the point in a life like that?

And the little help that I do ask for, gets taken away…all the time.

Im making excuses about showering so I can go into the bathroom and cry by myself.

I probably wont sleep very well tonight.

I really wish I would though.

If I find any peace at all, its when Im asleep.

And away from this nightmare.

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