This war is noise.

Its a shame Im not writing like I thought I’d be lol.
November 30, 2010, 1:43 am
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We’ve had snow! Alot of snow, and I’ve not been letting it stop me from doing things.

And I’ve taken some nice pictures.

I havnt really had anything major happen the last couple days so I didnt feel any great need for typing it up.

I have been sleeping a bit off again though, getting to sleep later and waking up later, but I think that’ll change pretty soon.

My brother passed his driving theory test, wayhey!

Im happy for him.

I’ve kinda decided I’d like to start getting lessons again.

I want to be able to just drive, have that freedom.

The snow has made it pretty bad for driving lol so I dunno whether I’ll be able to get to castlewellan tomorrow x] we’ll have to wait and see.

Dart is completely gone now, dead, cremated, the lot.

Its so strange to think of him living here as long as I have, someone known to me as my dads best friend, and now he is gone.

I shall have to ring and see if Sara can still come for her birthday.

I have been treating myself like I deserve more, its rather strange. Nothing major, just expressing myself a bit more.

I left half a bowl of soup today. It was really filling and I felt like I had to stop, so I did.

Was weird, but a good kind of weird.

I’ve been playing alot of Persona 3 lately, Shinjiro just died :[ I dont like it one bit! Lol.

Its probably silly cos, hes a character from a game, but those kinda things tend to genuinely affect me.

Deaths in games/books/shows. That I like/am invested in.


Late than never?
November 27, 2010, 4:44 pm
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Yes late but still happening x]

Yesterday went alright I suppose, went shopping and mum was irritating me most of the time but I did okay.

Got a new cd, My Chemical Romance’s new album, its pretty good.

Also got word of my dads best friend dying the night before. He was in the same kinda state that dad was in 4 years ago, so its a little strange to think of him actually dying. And he was supposed to be getting better. But it obviously turned out not to be.

Its kinda strange to think of where we live without the guy now, hes always been here.

Hes worked in our house.

Anyways, when my brother got home, we walked the dog, and I had a really long and frank discussion about things, regarding mum and our situation, everything to do with how life is atm.

And I felt alot better for venting and making myself more heard, in the proper way. And when I got in I repeated my new phrase to myself x] and I did believe it. Or start to, I dont want to jinx anything xP

When we got back he did more revision, before we played some Sengoku Basara, we played one story before he appeared online so I decided to talk to him [: and I physically did, on cam/microphone, which was nice.

I was talking to Sara at the same time, and we talked grand but, I got a weird feeling about it. Maybe it was nothing.

In any case, after they both left I went to sleep [:

Let it sink in.
November 25, 2010, 11:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Its been a while since I put anything here, but Im back on track with it, I wanna keep more of a record, I want to show what I have to say a little more, I dont want to keep falling at the hurdle when it comes to actually speaking out.

I had a difficult day today.

I woke up early and spoke to him [: which was nice [and I was right in that previous blog btw, and me speaking up about how I felt had a positive knock on affect, who’d have thought? :P] and then went to town, visited my aunt, which was also nice, until I suppose when Mum came in. Im realising more and more, when shes around, I act less like myself. I either sit quietly and only answer when spoken to, or argue. I slip on to autopilot. And I think I tend to do that with almost all adults, cos I guess I see that as what they want from me. I dont think of myself as an adult, and dont seem to trust adults, certainly not to do right by me.

Today I did though, although it was hard to actually say, because I was already thinking about what would happen if I did answer, I did trust Eva today, and I do. I got myself through the exercise she wanted us to do in the session. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but after awhile, I was starting to more than just repeat the statement, I felt like I was trying to assert it, against the responses she was throwing back at me, that I was believing when I was continuing to say “I deserve more”.

I did end up with a bit of a headache afterwards, and I’ve felt a bit drained, I do get that with stress though.

I got home and ate well and such, I went with my brother to walk the dog.

I had a look briefly at certain parts of myself that im not a fan of right now, which of course made me feel bad.

Im trying to be more social in the house and stuff, but at the same time, mum smokes like a train, wont stop, wont go into a different room, wont open a window half the time, and I dont want to ruin my lungs, I want to be able to breathe, and I dont want to smell like that, and if I do stay downstairs and open windows, esp with winter, I end up really cold and get pains with that.

Plus she dumps all her stuff on me that she wants to remember, its no wonder I can barely remember my own stuff.

She doesnt listen to me. She says she’ll do one thing, and then doesnt.

I feel like she doesnt want me involved in things at times, like with my brother, hes revising and testing himself atm for his driving theory, I said he should mark it and all himself, cos mum constantly wants to muscle in and mother him, and then they both just ignore me. I feel sometimes my brother and mum both kinda gang up on me to push me out, cos I challenge things, or attempt to, and they both prefer to stay how they are.

I think they like me to be quiet.

Which upsets me, but I get upset by myself. I went up into the bathroom and cracked up a bit, cried, asking myself, referring back to the counselling sessions “if I do deserve more, why is everyone desperate to give me so little”.

After managing to calm myself down, I came into my room, and talked to my cousin on the laptop, and then talked a bit to myself too, to help myself.

I’ve cried again typing this, but I know with having this all out of my head and down somewhere, it’ll help me to have it there.

I’ll be glad to get to sleep tonight :]

Hope all is well.

Strange motive.
November 7, 2010, 3:13 am
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After a conversation, 2 weeks taken, things set on a positive note.

2 weeks more, and Im unsure of why.

The result of these 2 weeks would have no bearing on the situation, just on our willpower.

I dont understand anymore, after thinking about it lol.

I’ll have to mention that I suppose.

Apart from that, also had an odd conversation with another person, bringing old times up lol fairly weird to think about now.

I’ve been thinking alot, about so many things.

Im eating better, and feeling a little clearer for doing so.

Maybe tuesday will make me clearer still. :]

Jeeze, its been a while.
November 4, 2010, 12:19 am
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Half a month later indeed.

Quite a bit has happened I suppose.

My great aunts birthday, my mums birthday, hiatus hernia, new medication, difficult counselling sessions, that are benefitting me, 2 positive weeks as far as me and him are concerned and two hospital appointments, both of which went well today.

Forms filled out and sent.

1 foil art completed. 11 to go.

New Vampire Knight book – 1st fanbook.

Persona 3, going well.

Final Fantasy 2, going well.

Tried Sengoku Basara, playing it with my brother, and its fairly decent, though I hate the talking covering up the bottom of the map where you start lol.

I still have to dye my hair, might do it tomorrow.

I have felt rather ill on and off, but Im starting to mentally get a grip on things.

I ate out in a place I was unfamiliar with for the first time in a very long time.

Was strange, but good.

I had a cheese and ham panini, and it was really nice.

I didnt touch the salad lol lets not be silly 😛

And I had an apple and blackcurrant sukie, and it was actually nice too.

Im slowly attempting to push myself some days. I really need to start getting strict about my exercises, esp with winter coming in now.

Hope all is well :]