This war is noise.


Let it sink in.
November 25, 2010, 11:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Its been a while since I put anything here, but Im back on track with it, I wanna keep more of a record, I want to show what I have to say a little more, I dont want to keep falling at the hurdle when it comes to actually speaking out.

I had a difficult day today.

I woke up early and spoke to him [: which was nice [and I was right in that previous blog btw, and me speaking up about how I felt had a positive knock on affect, who’d have thought? :P] and then went to town, visited my aunt, which was also nice, until I suppose when Mum came in. Im realising more and more, when shes around, I act less like myself. I either sit quietly and only answer when spoken to, or argue. I slip on to autopilot. And I think I tend to do that with almost all adults, cos I guess I see that as what they want from me. I dont think of myself as an adult, and dont seem to trust adults, certainly not to do right by me.

Today I did though, although it was hard to actually say, because I was already thinking about what would happen if I did answer, I did trust Eva today, and I do. I got myself through the exercise she wanted us to do in the session. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but after awhile, I was starting to more than just repeat the statement, I felt like I was trying to assert it, against the responses she was throwing back at me, that I was believing when I was continuing to say “I deserve more”.

I did end up with a bit of a headache afterwards, and I’ve felt a bit drained, I do get that with stress though.

I got home and ate well and such, I went with my brother to walk the dog.

I had a look briefly at certain parts of myself that im not a fan of right now, which of course made me feel bad.

Im trying to be more social in the house and stuff, but at the same time, mum smokes like a train, wont stop, wont go into a different room, wont open a window half the time, and I dont want to ruin my lungs, I want to be able to breathe, and I dont want to smell like that, and if I do stay downstairs and open windows, esp with winter, I end up really cold and get pains with that.

Plus she dumps all her stuff on me that she wants to remember, its no wonder I can barely remember my own stuff.

She doesnt listen to me. She says she’ll do one thing, and then doesnt.

I feel like she doesnt want me involved in things at times, like with my brother, hes revising and testing himself atm for his driving theory, I said he should mark it and all himself, cos mum constantly wants to muscle in and mother him, and then they both just ignore me. I feel sometimes my brother and mum both kinda gang up on me to push me out, cos I challenge things, or attempt to, and they both prefer to stay how they are.

I think they like me to be quiet.

Which upsets me, but I get upset by myself. I went up into the bathroom and cracked up a bit, cried, asking myself, referring back to the counselling sessions “if I do deserve more, why is everyone desperate to give me so little”.

After managing to calm myself down, I came into my room, and talked to my cousin on the laptop, and then talked a bit to myself too, to help myself.

I’ve cried again typing this, but I know with having this all out of my head and down somewhere, it’ll help me to have it there.

I’ll be glad to get to sleep tonight :]

Hope all is well.

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