This war is noise.


Unfortunately, ending this on a low.
January 31, 2011, 11:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I kept it, even though I was late on some occasions [one quite a long occasion..] I have a post for everyday this month.

Theres a big difference between the tone and mood from start to finish huh? lol.

And although I thought it couldnt have got too much worse…kinda felt like it did.

Mum completely disregarded how I was feeling about my situation today.

I stormed out and got things for myself, cos I decided if they werent going to consider me, I would stop looking for it.

I would do it myself.

I made the phonecalls I wanted to, which I hated doing, one resulted in a half victory…the other resulted in the douchebag not calling me back.

I kinda need you to, thursday is going to be one busy effing day.

I got my note posted.

Still no word.

I basically had someone tell me they didnt want to talk to me cos I would be a negative influence on them in their current state.

That sucked, and made me genuinely sad.

But I just said okay.

And cried a little.

When mum really pissed me off.

I said nothing.

Went into the bathroom, cos my brother was in my room playing dead space extraction.

And I cried.

And that was before storming out.

I heard about that 11 year old girl, and 13 year old boy killing themselves. And I cried a little.

Cos I honestly felt like swallowing a bottle of bleach today. Sat in the bathroom and looked at it for 10 mins quitely.

I feel so entirely unwanted.

I honestly dont think anyone, outside of my last remaining couple of friends that keep in contact with me –

And I really mean couple.. –

And my counsellor, think I have feelings at all.

I dont get treated like I do.

I get easily used and discarded.

Or just discarded.

Its so hard to try and tell yourself you’re worth something.

When you’re the only one trying.

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So update I suppose.
January 30, 2011, 12:24 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have all that stuff still looming over me, which Im not looking forward to at all.

I can tell right now that Im having a severe down time right now and I wish that I could avoid it somehow, but I dont know how.

I hit my foot aswell, hard, on a radiator pipe, and hurt my middle toe/top+middle part of my foot in the process.

Right before wanting to walk the dog…nice.

He also appeared yesterday finally, after 9 days, claimed he’d be on today again…nope.

I’ve ordered Aerith, fuck it I need something to cheer me up.

Im having such an entirely shit time right now.

Im in constant, and somehow increasing pain.

No one wants to talk to me or give a fuck, apart from hearing from Sara tonight.

And I just feel so entirely down.

:/



Promise I Will Stay.
January 29, 2011, 2:53 am
Filed under: Uncategorized



Mood worsens.
January 28, 2011, 11:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I figured with not having to go anywhere, I’d feel more relaxed, catch up on sleep and generally feel better.

I wake up fairly late in the day to a “you’re being examined by the douches” letter.

Next friday.

I also realised this condition management program appt is the same day as my next counselling session 😐 which is the thursday.

And I have to manage to get a doctors appointment that day too.

I just feel stressed about next week.

Kinda want it to fuck off and not bother arriving.

My back is bothering me, I didnt do exercises today at all, which again, regretting.

I have felt down all of today pretty much.

Still no word.

In fact I havnt heard from anyone in a bit of a while.

Then again..people easily bail out on me.

No one deems me worth putting a little fucking effort in.

Fucking fuck sake.

Im so sick and tired of this repetitive cycle of bullshit.

Of bullshit people.

People going out of their way almost to not give a single flying fuck.

Well least Im getting fucking angry than sad.

What about me is so not good enough?!

WHY DONT I FUCKING MATTER?

ALL THE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT IN THE WORLD FROM MUSIC OR BOOKS OR WHATEVER DOESNT REALLY WORK IF AT THE END OF THE DAY – I’M ALONE.

IM ALWAYS ALONE.

Why is that always how it is. :[



Here goes the case.
January 27, 2011, 7:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I had counselling today, last one on the doctors say so…they only fund two blocks of eight.

Im keeping it on, funding it myself.

Reassessed…my depression and anxiety have remained fairly the same.

Came down from 29 to 26, but its a major work in process.

I thought so to be honest.

I got to my great aunts at quarter to one, and she arrived at 2:30pm. Felt weird being in the house by myself, not quite knowing what to exactly do lol.

Had a good chat and such, with all the sitting in the small low chairs and stuff though, my backs feeling worse off.

I only did exercises once too this evening cos of being out all day.

Probably going to regret that.

I dont feel really that great if Im honest.

😐



So I intended to get shoes…
January 26, 2011, 11:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

…and instead came back with 4 tops, 8 pairs of studs, pair of clips, a new handbag, a nailfile and a neckscarf for a friend.

Also got mum a top for mothers day.

Went round all the shoe shops, no size 9s for girls.

Its easy to see why I’d get depressed shoe shopping lol.

I had a decent day though, despite the lack of shoes and boots in my size.

Missed getting my smaller avon order in the post though.

And got the most ridiculous letter from the DLA.

They wait 2 months to send me a letter just before christmas, apologising for not processing/dealing with my claim yet.

Then another month later, they are now asking why they didnt get my form a day earlier than they say they got it, so now I dont have the recorded delivery slip as it was THREE BLOODY MONTHS AGO, I cant prove otherwise. I think they are full of shit though, as usual.

Never done getting hassle from these people.

These people that should be making life a little less stressful for people with illnesses, rather than more so.

I wrote my letter last night, got rather emotional when doing so, cried a bit and such, but felt good about it still.

I meant to rewrite that exercise I did cos I believe I could do it better, but havnt yet, might do it in half an hour if Im still awake.

Best not to waste time if I cant sleep.

Still no word, again, not surprised.

Will be a week now tomorrow if I still dont, and I have counselling tomorrow so I’ll be out, which means, obviously, unlikely to hear anything lol.

Still doing my exercises and walking bonnie, back is gradually getting easier still.

Hope all is well :]



Scary Doorknockers.
January 25, 2011, 10:01 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Watched the new Disney version of A Christmas Carol, and it scared me, alot.

THATS A KIDS FILM?

Im a person that watches horror films, and dont get bothered, and then wtf@that lol.

It was good though, just, yikes lol.

I got my Zack today :]

Anddd I made my hospital appointment for my review with my stomach issues.

Did my exercises and feeling better again.

Still walking Bonnie and stuff too, trying not to let myself get stiff.

Still no word from him, not surprised.

Hope all is well :]