This war is noise.


You’re so disrespectful.
February 7, 2011, 9:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today was kinda slow, woke up 1pm.

Talked to Belly, watched Burst Angel, walked Bonnie.

Also talked to Sara, still no word about her results yet, which sucks D: and she sounded pretty tired.

My granda had his MRI scan today and handled it okay, so Im glad about that.

Mum disrespected me, quite in my face too, which made me angry.

Thing is, she doesnt even know shes doing it.

She thinks so little of my thoughts or feelings.

Or is oblivious completely.

Never takes responsibility.

For all the effort she put into trying to have kids, thats where the effort stopped.

At least into me.

Ben has disrespected me too, I talk or ask things, and he just bails without warning.

Did alot of thinking, about the prospect of being loved by no one.

Apart from possibly myself.

And its strange, kinda scary at times. Sometimes its an okay thought, sometimes upsets me.

Its not going to control me though, its just a shame that thats how things really could turn out.

That I didnt have the best start, and I could really have a bad middle and end.

Its hard thinking that I’ll never be that important to anyone, even when Im supposed to be.

That no one sees fit to treat me that way.

That people are more like to give up on me.

I really hope that’ll change.

That I’ll be okay.



You’re still awake.
February 6, 2011, 7:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Think I had on and off, 12 hours sleep.

Had a familiar dream too, which was fairly odd and had elements of labyrinth and alice in wonderland to it.

And yet random school people get brought into it.

Even from different time frames.

And odd off course events.

And places lol.

It was a good dream all the same.

Then showered Bonnie finally xD forgot how fluffy she could feel lol.

Watched almost half of Burst Angel, watched Mulan, walked Bo, and tried to eat in a more balanced way.

Cos I think I’ve been eating too much junk lately.

Hello fruit and plain cereals again. x]

Ever find those songs that you wish you could sing to someone and mean it?

Silvia by Miike Snow. I wish I was a guy with a girl in my life called Silvia so I could sing that song to her/about her.

Love it x]



I honestly was okay.
February 5, 2011, 10:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Woke up around 3am. He appeared within a couple hours.

And there was the conversation.

Strangest feeling.

Assertively dealing with it being over.

Actually over.

Me and him, I think theres finally a fullstop.

And I reacted differently.

Cos I felt like I did deserve better than the situation going on.

I wasnt upset.

Weird thing was – he was upset.

He’s the one with the cards, hes the one deciding really, and yet its almost roles reversed.



Didnt take too long.
February 4, 2011, 7:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Again going to sleep way too late and having to get up early, I got a crafty extra couple hours of light sleep though.

Then went for my assessment. Elaine brought her dad too, cos we’d had pretty bad winds and trees had fallen down, so she was kinda nervous driving and didnt want to just with me and her, which is fair enough lol.

We had a really good chat, both ways.

I was only in the interview half an hour, which was good. I think it went alot better than my last experience of it. And I asked for the same sex doctor at the desk and they were really nice about it.

Everyone there this time was really nice actually.

I’ll hear in about a months time.

Went to a couple shops since we were in the city and then came across mum as we were driving down into the avenue so picked her up on the way round lol.

After my brother got home, we had dinner, walked the dog, then I really needed to sleep.

So I did til about 3am x] thats me caught up now 😛

Though I have more to write about, but I’ll do that later.

:]



Open your eyes.
February 3, 2011, 6:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I only got a couple hours sleep, despite my best efforts. And had to wake up pretty early to make sure I’d get up at all, seeing as I’d be the only person in the house this particular morning.

Rang again about that appt, turns out they dont call people back, they just change the appt and send out the letter.

Well thats not what the other girl told me, twice. lol.

But in any case, it was sorted.

Had counselling, was fairly deep stuff, Im understanding more and more, and realising why I think certain ways and do certain things.

How my brain/body go into overdrive over small things like making a phonecall automatically.

Addressing the whole situation with no one touching me, briefly but, awkward addressing it, and the whole relationships topic.

About how I felt people treated me like I wasnt supposed to have feelings/like a robot.

And I felt emotionally hindered at home.

After that, went to my great aunts as usual, and she’d been talking to her friends daughter or niece or something, that is a counsellor and was saying how this person had had this guy as a patient for so many sessions, and felt she couldnt do anymore herself, so she asked her son to take him out to socialise him a bit, and after a few times of that, he stopped needing her, and then she asked if I thought that I would be the same case.

I said no, def not, mine isnt reactive depression, its core, its something I’ve had since I was very young, have grown up with, and now have an entirely distorted reality, with regards to myself, because of it.

And then she said how she thought I was always a happy kid and had friends and all that.

Its amazing what people will think if you dont actively tell them any different x] but we actually ended up having an almost too open conversation about it, in that I almost got upset when talking about how when me and dad got ill around the same time, I was abandoned basically. She looked after dad and didnt even want me downstairs.

Wanted me out of the way.

So yeah, that was heavy lol and she made me too much to eat after that lol.

I couldnt get a doctors appt at the finish up, so I stayed til normal time and came home with my brother.

Walked Bonnie and all that usual stuff :] then was kinda stressing out about friday lol.

Thinking the worst kinda thing, but I tried thinking positive too.



Updating indeed.
February 2, 2011, 7:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So on wednesday I didnt do too much from what I can think of, just trying to get my work condition management appointment sorted, which again it was “we’ll get him to call you back” and then nothinggg.

Went shopping, and after going to the couple shops down the town, we came back to the car and it wouldnt start lol.

So mum called Tina to see if her son was around, as he is a mechanic, but she said no, her husband was though and he could come round and see if he could help, so he did, and it seemed one of the leads to the battery was lose, and the thing that holds it in place was cracked, so he tightened it enough to get the car started, then led us down to the house and we spent an hour with Tina which was nice.

Fixed her mobile problems too lol wouldnt ring for her.

Then we did the shopping, and continue to be spending significantly less, which is good.

Was pretty stressed out over all the appointment stuff, and not having a lift.

But this was remedied as I asked mum when shes giving Elaine over her avon, could she ask if she could possibly take me….and she could! 😀

Relieved lol.

Hope all is well.



I’ve given up on sparing.
February 1, 2011, 10:28 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve stopped holding my tongue a bit.

Probably not a good thing but I cant help how I feel anymore.

Now that I need more help, people are giving me less, so it seems.

No one has wanted to help me out, as far as lifts and stuff, ever since I was diagnosed with the severe depression.

And now I’ve actually mentioned it out loud, and no one has anything to say back.

Its hard not to think that Im just being avoided.

Either they dont want to be stuck with just me, or dont want to take me at all.

Feeling more and more unwanted.

Appeared, had a good reason, okay.

I really need to tidy the place.

No word back from the condition management people that I rang yesterday.

Why do I have to chase them?

Still no idea how Im getting to this thing on friday.

Hoping I’ll luck in somehow.

Part of me is really expecting to have to take two cushions into the bus and attempt that.

I think if I did have to do that.

I’d end up crying. Right there in the bus.

Im just at boiling point.

I’ve had enough.

My mood only subsided temporarily when I got Aerith.

:/

I still have to write this letter to these dicks.

Ah I just cant be fucked with life right now.

>:Z