This war is noise.

Open your eyes.
February 3, 2011, 6:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I only got a couple hours sleep, despite my best efforts. And had to wake up pretty early to make sure I’d get up at all, seeing as I’d be the only person in the house this particular morning.

Rang again about that appt, turns out they dont call people back, they just change the appt and send out the letter.

Well thats not what the other girl told me, twice. lol.

But in any case, it was sorted.

Had counselling, was fairly deep stuff, Im understanding more and more, and realising why I think certain ways and do certain things.

How my brain/body go into overdrive over small things like making a phonecall automatically.

Addressing the whole situation with no one touching me, briefly but, awkward addressing it, and the whole relationships topic.

About how I felt people treated me like I wasnt supposed to have feelings/like a robot.

And I felt emotionally hindered at home.

After that, went to my great aunts as usual, and she’d been talking to her friends daughter or niece or something, that is a counsellor and was saying how this person had had this guy as a patient for so many sessions, and felt she couldnt do anymore herself, so she asked her son to take him out to socialise him a bit, and after a few times of that, he stopped needing her, and then she asked if I thought that I would be the same case.

I said no, def not, mine isnt reactive depression, its core, its something I’ve had since I was very young, have grown up with, and now have an entirely distorted reality, with regards to myself, because of it.

And then she said how she thought I was always a happy kid and had friends and all that.

Its amazing what people will think if you dont actively tell them any different x] but we actually ended up having an almost too open conversation about it, in that I almost got upset when talking about how when me and dad got ill around the same time, I was abandoned basically. She looked after dad and didnt even want me downstairs.

Wanted me out of the way.

So yeah, that was heavy lol and she made me too much to eat after that lol.

I couldnt get a doctors appt at the finish up, so I stayed til normal time and came home with my brother.

Walked Bonnie and all that usual stuff :] then was kinda stressing out about friday lol.

Thinking the worst kinda thing, but I tried thinking positive too.


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