This war is noise.


And I knew this was going to…
March 30, 2011, 1:51 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

hurt.

 

So here we are :] the other side of March, almost at its end.

I’ve made a few decisions and discoveries.

Im not off the program – regardless of that decision made, if Im screened onto it, Im on it for the duration. Im so glad about that :]

Im admitting to myself how scared I am, how scared I have been.

How bad things really have been.

And that Im entitled to feel that way, Im entitled to anything anyone else is.

Im entitled to my heart and my head, and all the things they do.

And Im also entitled to it where people can see.

Thats the hard part that’ll be coming Im sure.

I made myself the prettiest card. I was proud of it :] and I filled it with everything I wanted and needed to hear/be reminded of.

I also decided Im appealing that decision. Im not well.

Why should I have to pretend I am cos other people are pretending they arent?

Why are we all judged like scam artists.

Do they really think this is what I hoped and dreamed of when I was sat in school, laughing with my friends, going out, maintaining relationships, even a personal private one, deciding what to do with my life, at such a crucial time.

Do they think this is what I wanted?

This feeling of absolute fear and dread.

Of hopeless and pain.

No. No it isnt what I wanted.

Losing faith in the only thing I ever had.

Myself.

Me and Myself are going to get there though.

We have to.

And week since talking and 3 days since he tried. All of 2 mins he gave me to reply.

Literally.

Maybe he doesnt want to have time for me.

Its alright though, I have time for me.

I listened to music for a couple hours and worked out.

I need to eat less and move more, seriously.

Worked so hard on losing weight and since last easter its been creeping back on me.

Well bugger that.

Im not going to go all brink of eating disorder about it though again.

Sensible, supported, health.

Had little crashes here and there, trouble sleeping, crying for an hour or so a couple days, but Im still here.

 

How’re you?

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Closer to the Edge.
March 16, 2011, 1:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This never ending story.

 

So I got the feedback today.

12 points – need 15.

Appeal? Yeah. Cos now this will fuck everything up – again.

I just got on to the condition management program again.

Just got things in motion.

And all they want to do is knock me.

“We recognise you have a health condition” – yeah, SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO PEOPLE?

DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THIS IS WHAT A 22 YEAR OLD WOMAN WANTS TO BE? WHY NOT LET ME SORT MYSELF FUCKING OUT FIRST. ISNT 12 A LITTLE FUCKING CLOSE?

The Social Security system situation is a joke right now. Due to a few liars, we all get dragged through the same bullshit, same unnecessary nonsense, that leaves us all hating and resentful.

Times are tough, and they are only making it worse, when they are supposed to try and make it better.

Im fucking ill. I dont like it, but I am. Why does it seem like I get punished for seeking help.

Either that or rejected anyways.

I have counselling tomorrow, so that’ll be good, only I wont really express how I want to I dont think.

I find that I end up with so much going on in my head that barely anything confidently comes out at all.

So frustrated with things right now.

Although, in contrast, made a few purchases which Im looking forward to receiving :]

Been slowly tidying my room in sections.

Redyed my hair finally a week or so ago.

My brother finished The Darkness, and has nearly finished Cross Edge finally too.

Only 2 sidequests left before I can get on with FF8 story wise.

5 days now, I suppose.

Why are people so unreliable?

Im trying not to think about it as me being the common factor, i.e. something wrong with me.

But I dunno, starting to think people just suck.

Which would be bad, obviously, when Im trying to be able to trust a bit more lol.

Hopefully I’ll feel better after tomorrows session.

Im sure Japan is also still in everyones thoughts – Hope all is well. Or as well as it can be.



Entirely Worth Posting.

 

Even if you’re not particularly a fan, or anything else that could initially put you off this, it is worth listening and taking note.

Even if its just once, to realise whats happening.

Maybe it’ll affect you.

I’d like to think we still have a world of people that will still try. For the greater good.



Almost a months escape.
March 6, 2011, 2:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I didnt end up keeping up quite like I thought I would but, it was a trying month.

Very trying, february was out for me.

But Im back into thinking I should be taking note again.

So, little update.

Andersons been around a bit more lately, which has been nice :]

Counselling has been more difficult, alot more, but I guess thats more showing that its progressing.

2 discs left of wolfs rain to watch. Kinda dreading the end, I know its not a happy one really.

I seem to be getting my spark back for music, which Im SO glad about.

Cos nothing is more natural to me.

Music is my heart and soul, its my friend, its my comfort, and has been for as long as I can remember.

Getting back to singing alot has felt good too.

And looking back at music from when I was a kid, laughing at it, but enjoying it at the same time.

Also have done some serious talking and realisation within myself.

Im opening up a little more as time goes on.

Also officially on this condition management program now. 2 appointments coming up.

14th and 25th.

More nervous about the first one cos Im not entirely sure how Im going to handle it.

I mean I have my own counselling so…not sure I want to go starting a whole other process.

I mean Im guarded enough as it is, and a little muddled. I think it would confuse the issue.

But I’ll be able to voice that Im fairly sure.

Also had that review about my stomach finally, apparently they found something and didnt tell me for a whole 4 1/2 months.

But they dont know what it is, “but we dont want you to worry, its not cancer or anything” Im like wtf lol dont just drop that on me, I would never assume it is!

So they want to do another scope test on me..eugh.

I hope its more like my first than second.

Getting through all the sidequests before getting to the heavy stuff leading to disc 4 in ff8.

Also only 19 days til the new Dissidia game comes out, which is exciting :]

Bonnie hasnt been well this past week, was at the vet on monday and although shes limping less, shes now not eating.

Just going out of her way to be difficult huh lol.

My granda is doing better, which is great.

Things between me and him are, whatever at this point. Its pretty distant and uncertain.

But I know in myself I’m gonna be okay, whatever happens.

Im hoping March will be a bit easier x]

Hope all is well.