This war is noise.


And I knew this was going to…
March 30, 2011, 1:51 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

hurt.

 

So here we are :] the other side of March, almost at its end.

I’ve made a few decisions and discoveries.

Im not off the program – regardless of that decision made, if Im screened onto it, Im on it for the duration. Im so glad about that :]

Im admitting to myself how scared I am, how scared I have been.

How bad things really have been.

And that Im entitled to feel that way, Im entitled to anything anyone else is.

Im entitled to my heart and my head, and all the things they do.

And Im also entitled to it where people can see.

Thats the hard part that’ll be coming Im sure.

I made myself the prettiest card. I was proud of it :] and I filled it with everything I wanted and needed to hear/be reminded of.

I also decided Im appealing that decision. Im not well.

Why should I have to pretend I am cos other people are pretending they arent?

Why are we all judged like scam artists.

Do they really think this is what I hoped and dreamed of when I was sat in school, laughing with my friends, going out, maintaining relationships, even a personal private one, deciding what to do with my life, at such a crucial time.

Do they think this is what I wanted?

This feeling of absolute fear and dread.

Of hopeless and pain.

No. No it isnt what I wanted.

Losing faith in the only thing I ever had.

Myself.

Me and Myself are going to get there though.

We have to.

And week since talking and 3 days since he tried. All of 2 mins he gave me to reply.

Literally.

Maybe he doesnt want to have time for me.

Its alright though, I have time for me.

I listened to music for a couple hours and worked out.

I need to eat less and move more, seriously.

Worked so hard on losing weight and since last easter its been creeping back on me.

Well bugger that.

Im not going to go all brink of eating disorder about it though again.

Sensible, supported, health.

Had little crashes here and there, trouble sleeping, crying for an hour or so a couple days, but Im still here.

 

How’re you?

Advertisements

Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: