This war is noise.


Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
April 20, 2011, 2:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

YOU SHOULD BE ASLEEP.

So here I am, feeling really dejected, removed.

Im barely keeping up with this food journal this time.

I dont exactly know why, but Im just getting bored of eating.

Bored of trying things.

I look at food and, I still dont get happy about it.

I look at myself and still think, how am I supposed to eat more.

I dont want to eat more.

I dont know specific portions, I know if the intention is to get me to eat more, it wont be eating more good things.

It’ll end up being bad things.

And I’ll gain weight, and hate myself.

And Im finding this all really, really hard.

Cos no one helps me. In fact, I get surrounded by sabotage.

Constant.

I dunno why I cant just do things, and feel how Im supposed to feel about it.

How when I think about just doing the food journal, my whole self wishes to repel it.

I dont like eating, honestly.

Cos I dont control it. I dont like what Im supposed to like, and I eat more of the things I shouldnt, than I should.

And I end up worse off for it.

I dont cook.

Im tired alot atm again.

Havnt even wanted to go walk the dog the last couple days.

I got faint during the couple days my red week got heavier.

8th-now. Almost 12 days.

Fairly long now I think of it.

Anyways.

I have to be up early…physio.

Possibly the last thing I want right now.



Im just a bit sad.
April 13, 2011, 3:59 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I nearly passed out in the shower.

Pains.

I feel blah about eating and everything.

Feel blah when I look at myself.

I feel sad.

Im so abnormal.

All comes back to the point that my head creates…

..no one loves me.

The people who even created me dont love me.

They arent even really concerned about who I am, just what I can do for them.

Im afraid, and Im sad, and Im alone.

I watch as everyone else has a life.

And that Im not really important to anyone.

I would ask forĀ  help…but I dont feel like I deserve it.

Or that it would change anything.

Im in counselling and everything…but it keeps coming back.

Why am I like this?

Why am I not like everyone else…why do I feel like I cant be?

I hope all is well, genuinely.

I wouldnt wish how I feel on anyone.



Ellie Goulding – Wish I Stayed lyrics.
April 1, 2011, 4:36 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Why can’t we speak another language, one we all agree on? [on, on, on, on]
Why when men look outside, do they see houses,
Instead of the fields they grew from? [from, from]
We are constantly uprooted from them, making us tiresome and fearful,
Can you get up right now? Endeavour to free-fall.

‘Cause you can fall if you want to, it’s just a matter of how far,
You’ve treasured your home town, but you’ve forgotten where you are.
And it will stay with you ’til you’re mind’s been found,
and it has been found wandering around.

With that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn’t give up.
It’s the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed, stayed, stayed.

Patterns all arranged in my background,
It’s pillars and posts keeping this country on form.
Letters were all sent with no addresses so that people can’t discover.
Always undercover.
Why do I always draw triangles instead of words this paper so deserves?

‘Cause see,
I don’t own my clothes but I own my mind,
And it’s not what you’ve lost,
But it’s what you find.

I don’t own my clothes but I own my mind,
And it’s not what you’ve lost,
But it’s what you find.

We found that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn’t give up.
It’s the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed.

‘Cause you can fall if you want to, it’s just a matter of how far,
You’ve treasured your home town, but you’ve forgotten where you are.
And it will stay with you ’til you’re mind’s been found,
and it has been found wandering around.

With that skipping rope, the trampoline,
The crafty smoke that made us choke,
But we didn’t give up.
It’s the simple ways of getting paid,
The carelessness of running away,
Now, I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed,
I wish I stayed.