This war is noise.

Are we, we are the waiting?
May 16, 2011, 1:40 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Green Day still stir something in me.

Maybe that album and that part of my life.

9 days before an appearance. And then, I dunno lol.

Such a shame about Anderson ;[ I really wish something truly good would happen to him.

He so deserves it.

I have counselling early this week, still on the topic of body image, so we’ll see how that goes.

Have a feeling I also have physio early this week too. Need to recheck lol.

But since Im pretty sore atm, not super happy about that either.

Decided I really was sick of things being untidy looking, needed to hoover and change my sheets too.

Think I overdid it though, due to the pain after lol.

But no ones ever offering to help me, or would if I asked either I imagine.

Even though I dont ask for much D:

I’d def like to do more soon though, need to keep up the momentum.

Awaiting my 5 new manga, Alice in the country of Hearts – you can tell why I just had to get that when I found it 😛

Slowly getting gradually further collecting stray beads in Okami, before going back to Kamui.

In any case, feeling a little better than before.

Hope all is well.

Your pain will move you forward,
May 11, 2011, 5:18 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Or cut you down.

So my sleeping patterns are still messed up.

Im still getting upset about things pretty easy at night.

5 days, though Im not surprised. Dont even know what that is anymore.

Eating is downhill.

Life generally downhill lol.

Counselling isnt going to be a barrel of laughs tomorrow.

And I have condition management and shopping today.

And shall be doing it on >zero< sleep.

Otherwise I might just not get this pattern sorted.

And end up worse off.

I beat Persona 3 FES today :] it ended well.

Next thing Im finishing is Okami.

If I dont do the soup thing today, then I wont have at all.

And considering we are going shopping, I really do want to do it.

At least once.

Why does everything have to be so difficult with me?

This is a natural thing for everyone else.

Part of me has really wanted to escape again lately.

Escape in the most finite way possible.

You get where Im going, Im sure.

I just dont see how things will ever turn around for me.

Its hard to see.

I am so clouded in the negatives, that I might not actually ever see a clear day.

But then I dont think they are just negatives, I think of them as realities.

I dont know if they are to anyone else, or to actual reality, but they are to me.

I so badly just wanted to be normal, my whole life.

Why cant I just be..?

A letter to myself about a really bad week.
May 9, 2011, 1:26 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

What can I say, doll.

You have an eating disorder, finally confirmed.

Your granda has a “certain amount of prostate cancer”, whatever thats supposed to mean, and you and your great aunt seem to be the only people really worried. Or acting it.

Still not sleeping well, eating well.

Havnt done the soup challenge yet.

Managed to break the toilet somehow.

Constantly being let down by one thing or another.

We’ll be addressing body image next.

I really dont want to, cos then Im defeated.

Admitting Im fucked.

Admitting that despite all my attempts to try and be normal, without help from anyone else.

I’ve failed.

Its a shame I havnt had much chance to be excited about my blink tickets arriving.

Cos Im just dreading every day.

My head is tortured with all the thoughts of no one loving me or caring for me by default, so how would I ever manage to convince anyone else to love me, with me how I am?

Then I think why should I have to convince anyone to love me? Whats so wrong with me?

But everything is, isnt it?

Everythings wrong.

Its hurts so badly. I dont understand why all this has had to happen to me.

If no one was going to love me, why am I here?

Why didnt I just never exist?

Then I’d be no trouble anymore, to anyone else.

And it’d stop hurting me.

Stop stressing me.