This war is noise.


A letter to myself about a really bad week.
May 9, 2011, 1:26 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

What can I say, doll.

You have an eating disorder, finally confirmed.

Your granda has a “certain amount of prostate cancer”, whatever thats supposed to mean, and you and your great aunt seem to be the only people really worried. Or acting it.

Still not sleeping well, eating well.

Havnt done the soup challenge yet.

Managed to break the toilet somehow.

Constantly being let down by one thing or another.

We’ll be addressing body image next.

I really dont want to, cos then Im defeated.

Admitting Im fucked.

Admitting that despite all my attempts to try and be normal, without help from anyone else.

I’ve failed.

Its a shame I havnt had much chance to be excited about my blink tickets arriving.

Cos Im just dreading every day.

My head is tortured with all the thoughts of no one loving me or caring for me by default, so how would I ever manage to convince anyone else to love me, with me how I am?

Then I think why should I have to convince anyone to love me? Whats so wrong with me?

But everything is, isnt it?

Everythings wrong.

Its hurts so badly. I dont understand why all this has had to happen to me.

If no one was going to love me, why am I here?

Why didnt I just never exist?

Then I’d be no trouble anymore, to anyone else.

And it’d stop hurting me.

Stop stressing me.

Stop.

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