This war is noise.

Fucked up.
November 28, 2011, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

2-3 years I suffered, and it was the one positive out of it.

I lost weight and felt better about myself.

Christmas shopping today, I felt disgusting.

I’d be getting clothes 2 sizes smaller a year ago.

Some clothes my size didnt even fit because of my stupid arms.

My stupid everything.

I feel awful.

I had to try so hard not to get upset right there in the middle of the shops.

I got so deflated that I felt almost back to square one, appearance wise.

I know I’ve been overeating lately, I’ve been trying to ignore it.

Because Im not exercising either.

Im just doing physio.

Its harder this year to recover too.

I hate it. I hate this.

I hate myself for being like this.

It brings me so far down.

Thats the thing about having brains over natural beauty.

You’re smart enough to know how ugly you are.

I feel sad.
November 2, 2011, 5:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Pretty much the only way I can describe it.

Was trying to empty out my head so I could get to sleep, got right down in and closed my eyes, and just this train of though popped into my head and I started getting upset.

Sorta thinking about the last week or so, and what I’ll be saying when in counselling.

And how Im feeling.

Im really afraid Im going to die.

Which is strange to say, because for the longest time, it seemed like thats what I wanted.

But’know when you have those thoughts that you kinda take as whats going to happen…Im kinda getting that.

And its scaring me a fair bit.

I’ve had alot more going on in my life, different people, different things, trying to get a life back I suppose.

And that had been going well, its been hard work, and Im tired, and get pains, but its happening.

And then I started bleeding abnormally.

Im a virgin, and have had strange periods my entire life.

But this was like the start of one, and it just stayed like that, would go away for one day, then back for another few, and it went on like that for well over 2 weeks.

So I went to the doctor, and was examined, which was really hard for me to begin with, as obviously Im the only person that has ever been near it before since I can remember, but aswell as that…I have a tilted womb, so she couldnt see all that she needed to see.

So I have to go to hospital for a full all out examination, which is stressful to say the least. She asked me about having an STD test, even though I’d said I hadnt had sex, which makes me think what did she see?

But maybe thats just a routine thing to ask and make sure to?

And then I had an ECG the next day, and had to have my top half bare for that.

It came back normal, but my blood pressure is still worrying.

The bleeding went away for about 4 days and then came back today.

Alot more of it than before.

What if Im dying? What if when I finally start having a life again, I end up dying..?

After everything my body has dealt with over the last 5 gives up.

And I know getting stressed out and upset over it doesnt help.

But who can I talk to about it?

Im always so alone with this stuff.

And then once you try to get it investigated, everything takes so long.

Esp when I have such an awkward, stupid body.

I think, how can I have made such a mess of things at only 22?

I really hope Im okay.