This war is noise.


Shoes.
April 23, 2013, 10:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have such a love-hate relationship with shoes.

I love how particular ones look or the style of them and what they portray, or whatever.

But, I have annoying feet.

A size bigger than generic sizes go to for girls because Im 6ft tall.

And it genuinely makes me sad lol which is one of the things I guess Im still fairly girly about.

Its something that has plagued me a bit through my entire life, like I have a very vivid memory of wanting these shiny black shoes for going to school in, when starting primary school, but my feet were already too big for the cute little girls shoes.

And then with my height and stuff, I got fairly flat shoes until the end of primary school I was pretty much in unisex ones for the rest of school. And otherwise I went from trainers, to vans and converse, and never really got to have many nice pairs of shoes at all.

And it puts such a dampener on any kind of change I’d like to do to my appearance.

Because with size and stuff body wise, weight can be lost, exercise can be done and it can be changed.

Whereas with feet, Im kinda stuck.

And I am always just outside of being normal enough to have normal shoes.

And if I cant have nice shoes ever, then I cant really do much with my clothes outside what I do now really.

And its just super depressing. The only way I could possibly do so, is to get specialised ones, which cost a bomb per pair, which I cant really do, and even then, the styles and such arent what I want.

They tend to be either old fashioned or tremendously generic.

I so wish I could have a do over of how I turned out physically. I seem such a disaster lol.

I watch a youtuber who has quite a similar style to what I identify with in my head, as I could not personally dress the way she does how I am, and she does all these unboxing videos of the most wonderful shoes.

I did attempt to get some pairs from where she had, as I hadnt seen anything remotely like them where I live and I knew they’d be good quality also. But of course they were all too small, and the fee to accept them and then return them, ending up being just as expensive as the shoes would have been to keep them, and they were not cheap. So it ended up being a super bad experience, and further reminder that it seems like I just cant have nice things.

With so little left that I have to cheer myself up with lol its hard to look forward to anything, or want to attend anything, when I cant really do very much with myself. Be it keep myself as pain free as possible or dress myself how i’d like to.

And this will seem so shallow and unimportant to most likely anyone who could read this.

But imagine spending your whole life either making do or covering yourself up, and then finally having the will to express yourself fully, and not being able to because of the reality of yourself.

And this is while Im still young, I mean what state will I be in when I get older?

The only time I’ve remotely felt good about how I look was in full throws of an eating disorder.

And even then, I still couldnt have shoes.

I have a pair of boots and a pair of trainers. And Im stuck in the trainers while I correct the problems wearing such flat shoes all my life has done to me since I ended up vans exclusive for a good few years.

What sparked this was watching another shoe unboxing, and if Im to get to sleep tonight without torturing myself [which I think even now Im doing since I am in tears] I need to get it out in some way.

And considering how upset I get about it everytime, its a better idea to do it this way than to the couple of people I do have left to talk to. Although they have normal feet, so I dont think it would help me feel any better. One of them has a cupboard pretty much just shoes lol.

And I know if mine were normal, I would probably be the same. Not because Im obsessed or anything, I just know how much it changes things, being able to have the freedom of variation.

What most dont even have to think about, I have to struggle with.

I hope I dont feel this bad in the morning, as I have a horde of appointments to get through.

Hope all is well.



Ahhh, Howl.
April 21, 2013, 1:48 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I finally watched Howl’s Moving Castle today, and I loooved it.

I was so happy with the ending too, cos you cant be too sure with anime films/anime in general!

Lol but yeah, it really made me want a Howl of my own.

I think its maybe the childishness lol with his tantrums, but no real ill will behind anything. Innocence and purity in his eyes.

Oh those eyes…lol.

As a 24 year old, I never thought I’d still be wishing for mythical men to come be a part of my life, or save me from it lol.

But I still do, be it the Goblin King Jareth from Labyrinth as a young girl…or a real life Howl now x]

I wish real life adult relationships could have that kind of wonder, because I still very much think that way.

Dreamy and unrealistic I suppose lol but I dunno, I find the thought of ever being with just a typical guy from my surroundings so unappealing. I have a very romantic view of the kind of situation I would like to ever arise.

But I dont think it will do.

You can hope for something different, someone that makes you feel that way.

But I really doubt there is in the real world.

Which is just a little depressing x] especially since Im not one for just settling.

Its frustrating too, to see personalities portrayed by whatever character, animated or not, very real life or completely unreal, and then not ever see them in real life. Especially when I tend to like or identify with them better.

Oh well, maybe one day, cant give up all hope afterall x]

Hope all is well.