This war is noise.


Headaches and heartache.
May 26, 2013, 3:56 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Im having a rather bad night.

Been crying for over an hour now. Playing out potential conversations I could have in counselling next week.

Though I will probably not have any of them.

I seem to be unable to talk about the times I feel like dying so far.

Saying that I get that far in my head out loud is almost never able to leave my head.

And I have to write it in blogs now, I dont have any real life people left to talk to I think.

Out of my 3 friends I have left irl that are either in my life or are almost not, one I havnt heard from since before christmas, one has ignored my last few attempts at conversation lately, and the last one I cant really go to that level with.

My online friends I hear very little of, or nothing at all. Not that I blame people or anything, as we get older, irl gets more of a serious and consuming business, but I do feel sometimes that Im easily forgotten about or something aswell.

My cousin that Im actually close to rarely bothers anymore, ignores texts through being pants at texting back and I basically have to bug her to remind her on facebook lol. Which doesnt feel too great. But if I brought it up like this I suppose it’d be seen as an overreaction to get upset about it. So I cant express that either.

And this is just a part of me the rest of my family can never be exposed to, I wouldnt want them to.

Its pretty bad that some weeks, the longest conversation I’ve had outside of my house is the one I pay for through counselling.

And I dont type this to sound needy or to bitch, or whatever.

It just leaves me in an unfortunate position, which I feel like I have every right to be upset about.

Its not easy feeling alone as I do, considering Im also the only one that’ll care that I do to begin with.

Being 24, ill and fairly alone, I dont really see a light.

I cant force people to care or want to care, nor would I really want to.

But what am I expected to do now that no one does?

Instead of telling someone, like I’d sometimes try to, I googled sentences expressing how I felt so I could read other peoples views, and I guess the advice pages due to some select words triggering them.

It sounds fairly sad, that Im having to talk to google, which doesnt talk lol just searches things.

But I didnt see any other choice right now.

Im very tired so now that my head is easing a little with being able to at least type things out, I might be able to sleep.

Sorry to anyone that might end up reading this, I might delete it soon after, as it is fairly depressing.

But its all I can do for now.

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