This war is noise.


I am finally writing again.
September 3, 2013, 12:26 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It is very strange that out of everything, this has been the catalyst that sparks off me blogging again.

Though I do think this has been the biggest surge of emotion in me in a fair while so, instead of letting it run riot around my head, its definitely better to get my thoughts out and feel like I’m better processing things.

I have had a lot go on lately, with my health scare and general troubles but I guess overall, this would be indeed what would make me need to open up.

I have been rebuilding walls, I have definitely felt it.

When you are hurt once, in a large burst, you often get enough anger to make good clear cut and bigger decisions, unlike when there are little misdeeds chipping away little by little, and over time, chipping away at more than what the big hurt would have done.

You become complacent. And expect the worst.

And forgive it, not questioning how little you’re actually valuing yourself, if you value forgiving them more so.

When it happens over and over again, and no matter what you say, the behaviours don’t change.

In fact, sometimes they progress and get worse, change into something even more troublesome.

And then you finally come to my position where you just can not take another injustice, no matter how slight.

And even if that person is dealing with pains, apparently, of their own, your feelings matter too.

What you have to say is just as important, and if they’ve made you wait weeks to say it because apparently everything is on their terms, then you should not feel guilty.

You are valid.

And if you continue despite what regular old human guilt might be telling you in the moment, then you are wise.

Remember, at one time, there was a little you.

A little you that had hopes and dreams, and had all these ideas of how life would be, and how if you did end up with this magical other person you were supposed to find, and did want, remember what that was supposed to be like.

And then look at things now.

Are they really adding up? Certainly not in my case.

They really did in the past. So you con yourself with the notion that you’ll somehow find your way back there, it’ll even out, it’ll get better.

But you both have to be thinking that way.

Wanting that, acting like you want that.

Talking like you want that.

And if you’re the only one doing so, then it isn’t even a remotely real prospect.

People change, and sometimes, it is not for the better.

They might still be good people, but they aren’t treating you how you want to be treated.

For whatever reasons they have going on.

And you cant look at how things were years ago and expect it to come back.

I am truly realising this is what has happened to me.

Its such an adult complaint.

Teenagers and children will react almost immediately when an injustice has occurred.

They will act, and tolerate or compromise on none of it.

Little me most of all.

And then when you get bogged down as an adult with life’s troubles, you stop listening to little you, when sometimes, you really, really should.

It might be difficult, and might feel like a loss to begin with.

But I have to look after little me, because that is really who is looking after adult me.

We are one and the same.

We, or I, surely deserve more than this.

Life has been hard enough the last 8 years or so, without doing this to myself on top of it.

I am ready.

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