This war is noise.

I am certainly done.
February 24, 2014, 10:10 am
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WREN – DAY 24.

I officially have no words for how done I am with the entire situation.

Mum has ignored me and undermined me for the last time.

You’re not going to listen to me?

Then I am done listening to you.

I am going to muster every part of my being, courage and might to get out of here.

I will do what is best for myself.

Living here is certainly not best for me.

I need to start having a serious look at places and getting serious advice about what will happen with things if I leave.

Or should I say when I leave.

This is it, the tipping point.

She will end up sad and alone because she cant admit when she’s wrong.

Cant listen, cant consider anyone but herself.

Wont fix anything.

Well fuck you.

Stew in your mess, its what you deserve.

I will have my freedom.

Oh dear Valentine, you make me think.
February 14, 2014, 12:58 am
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WREN – DAY 14.

Barely an hour into Valentine’s day and I’m already melancholy and reflective.

I know what I know, and think what I think.

How can this be what it is supposed to be when I’m avoiding finishing and you’re spending the day playing guitar with a friend? Apparently. A normal guy friend you’ve had since school. Am I sure I believe that is what is happening? Being out on that particular day, just for that.

Instead of talking with me, Valentine.

I’m not sure if its more sad that I’m thinking this, or that I didn’t question further despite it appearing in my brain rather quickly.

Do you really love me? Or the idea of me, when it is convenient?

I think I should bring this up soon after all. I don’t want to carry this for ages until I feel too trapped not to blurt it out.

Found out a few hours ago my cousin is engaged. She is the same age as my brother, younger than me.

Here I am practically alone with no prospect of being otherwise any time soon. It bothers me.

I don’t know why it does this year more than it has before.

But I want to feel loved. I want to matter to someone more than I matter to anyone now.

As I feel like I don’t matter much to anyone.

I would love someone to prove me wrong.

I would love for me to feel any hope in the matter was justified.

I have counselling tomorrow, and I will have this swimming in my mind and will probably not be able to talk about it. Or if I do, it will be minimally in passing, while getting to the next topic.

On the plus side I am no longer sick, just have a little after cough and such, which might not completely leave for up to 3 weeks, according to the doctor.

I feel like bailing before walking into any more disaster.

It’s been so cold these last couple days, making my back very angry indeed.

I can never forget, never have a free day of just feeling like a normal human being.

Another thing terminally imperfect, that I cannot fix.

Tired for now so I will stop here.

I hope you have a better Valentine’s day, whoever and wherever you are.

Sick again.
February 6, 2014, 6:28 am
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In this year of writing, I am using a bird theme [despite it being the year of the Horse for all the Chinese Zodiac followers out there] and I’m unfortunately starting late.

This is the second month, WREN, the first is ROBIN and I will add some things from there that I have in my head but didn’t manage to type out. I plan to write during this with my hands, that is how I intended to do it this year, but I feel so entirely awful currently that typing is easiest right now. And also familiar.

So this will technically be the first written on the actual date of posting, for future reference. Although in saying that, it is the early hours of day 6.

I have been very unwell since Saturday night, day 1, and now when the chest infection is starting to shift just enough so I can sleep without attempting to cough up my lungs, I have been awake from 3am with a rather bad toothache. Earlier this evening when I was in the car outside nanny & granda’s, a tiny piece of tooth [pretty much like grit it was so small] came away from one of my teeth on the lower right. It was not immediately painful, but a little, as I think I have been clenching my teeth a little in my sleep when I’ve been in pain with the flu/infection I’ve had, so it has been sensitive anyway. As well as this, with having a sore throat constantly, I’ve been eating throat sweets which are notoriously full of sugar and go for my teeth also, so its just the perfect mix for a tooth disaster. I had noticed it starting to become more painful once dinner had long been over, but not enough that it was beating out my regular pain medication for my spine complaint and such, but by 3am this morning, it is well and truly pissed.

Woken from my sleep for the 4 or 5th night in a row, already tired and sore and sick and either too warm or too cold, I’m so drained.

And angry.

I’m really not having a very positive beginning to 2014. I felt very down and dejected after my 25th birthday, because I was comparing things to the year before, having just the one friend left, who I’m very grateful to have, but feel life overall is not improving but getting worse. I had to do shifts with my brother in watching Bonnie while her eye healed after her operation, which took a toll on me, and in order to cheer myself up out of thinking negative things about this year and my life I dyed my hair pink. I will go into more detail when I type up some ROBIN entries but by the end of January, I finally felt like the negative was starting to lift. Plus my 4 week plague had also finally showed signs of stopping [and did on Feb 4th] so I thought I’d visit Clare after counselling on Friday and ring in February with a much needed catch up. Unfortunately by Saturday night, I developed a cough which I thought might have just been being around Clare’s cigs, but it wasn’t. I woke up on Sunday feeling so, so terrible. I actually thought I might need to go to out of hours because the pains were awful, I had hot and cold flushes, and a really bad cough.

Only really today had the pains calmed down somewhat and I wasn’t getting the drastic temperature changes. Plus the cough was finally getting looser, which has positives and negatives, yay for getting better and starting to be able to get some sleep, nay for coughing up stuff and having to run to the bathroom and all the other fun things you do while in the recovering from being ill stage. Now today I’d finally got some positive change and got some antibiotics to clear my chest because whatever I got in the beginning, its for sure left me with a chest infection, and then something else just had to go wrong.

I just can’t get a fucking break this year and I don’t know why. I literally woke up at 3am this morning and was so fed up, my first thoughts were of death. When physical pain is a regular thing in your life, and will be for the long term, anything on top of that feels so unfair. So infuriating. Like being kicked when you’re down. And I feel like I’m being kicked repeatedly, and that no one cares that that’s the case.

And when you feel that way, at least for me, it starts to make you question the point. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel very alone. The person I can realistically confide in to even remotely the level I do here when I type, I pay for in counselling.  The older I get, the more of a mess this all seems. A mess that I just can’t fix and any attempt that I make is just sabotaged by more problems. I was addressing some of my eating issues, and feeling okay about trying some things and literally the day after I plan to work on it in counselling, I get fucking sick. Badly sick. Its ridiculous.

And then when the illness wants to start shifting, I get a blinding toothache.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening?

Is the pain I have everyday not enough to satisfy whatever punishment I require for whatever I’m doing now or have done previously?

And even though that is an entirely irrational thought, as there’s no one physically doing such a thing, it is what it feels like.

Why does it seem like I’m just destined to be ill, end up alone, and die.

With no positive life in between. Despite me trying to claw it back from wherever I can.

You can only hurt a person so much before they just can’t cope.

And I am not coping.

But I am the only one that cares that I’m not.

I sit here almost 3 hours from first being awakened by my toothache, on my own, crying, and there is nothing else.

There is no care or comfort for me.

And it drives me crazy on top of everything. That I do have a lot to go through, and it would be easier if someone cared.

Really cared and was there. But no one does.

And the older I get, the less likely I believe anyone to do so.

So if this is truly all there will be for me. The sickness, pain and loneliness. Then what am I doing?

What am I doing to myself? Because no one is benefiting from this.

No one is happy.

This is not what I want. A life alone, where you are just going through everything to see another day alone, because that is your lot.

That is not acceptable to me.

I doubt that would be acceptable to anyone.

I would love it to change. I would love to wake up to people around me genuinely caring how I am.

And wanting to help how I’d like them to, rather than help me how they think they should, which doesn’t help but actually makes me feel worse.

I’d love support, I’d love to be able to feel safe to be vulnerable enough to rely on genuine support from someone.

But all I seem to have is me myself. Which is good in theory, that I’m doing all the best I can for myself.

But it is incredibly hard to be ill and feel this way. Especially when I’m supposed to be young and free, building myself a life, full of possibility.

And all I have been is trapped since 17. Watching the life and people I had before leave, and being unable to replace it with anything lasting. I clearly have short term periods of positivity and opportunity. I’ve only made 2 new friends though since becoming ill and already managed to half that, despite putting more effort than ever before into monitoring my behaviour, being more open and trusting and less judging.

People do end up being less than great, and sure its then good that they move on out of your life, but then you’re still without.

You’re still without what you would like, which is good people. Good long lasting friendships, with people who care, and put time, effort and interest into you as a friend and expect it back.

I do have a version of this with Clare, and I’m very glad, despite there being complications.

We are both unwell and so we can’t exactly be a rock but certainly be there for each other. Able to talk about absolutely anything and know there is no judgement. We have so much in common, even with things that wouldn’t normally leave peoples heads.

I would like someone that I could consider a rock. A person that isn’t unwell and still puts the effort in with me.

I’m very tired now so I will have to continue this line of thought later on, hopefully Im tired enough to sleep through the toothache, which won’t seem to stay numb long enough even with the clove oil. Between that and the morphine I take for my back you’d think I’d get some peace. :/