This war is noise.


Oh dear Valentine, you make me think.
February 14, 2014, 12:58 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

WREN – DAY 14.

Barely an hour into Valentine’s day and I’m already melancholy and reflective.

I know what I know, and think what I think.

How can this be what it is supposed to be when I’m avoiding finishing and you’re spending the day playing guitar with a friend? Apparently. A normal guy friend you’ve had since school. Am I sure I believe that is what is happening? Being out on that particular day, just for that.

Instead of talking with me, Valentine.

I’m not sure if its more sad that I’m thinking this, or that I didn’t question further despite it appearing in my brain rather quickly.

Do you really love me? Or the idea of me, when it is convenient?

I think I should bring this up soon after all. I don’t want to carry this for ages until I feel too trapped not to blurt it out.

Found out a few hours ago my cousin is engaged. She is the same age as my brother, younger than me.

Here I am practically alone with no prospect of being otherwise any time soon. It bothers me.

I don’t know why it does this year more than it has before.

But I want to feel loved. I want to matter to someone more than I matter to anyone now.

As I feel like I don’t matter much to anyone.

I would love someone to prove me wrong.

I would love for me to feel any hope in the matter was justified.

I have counselling tomorrow, and I will have this swimming in my mind and will probably not be able to talk about it. Or if I do, it will be minimally in passing, while getting to the next topic.

On the plus side I am no longer sick, just have a little after cough and such, which might not completely leave for up to 3 weeks, according to the doctor.

I feel like bailing before walking into any more disaster.

It’s been so cold these last couple days, making my back very angry indeed.

I can never forget, never have a free day of just feeling like a normal human being.

Another thing terminally imperfect, that I cannot fix.

Tired for now so I will stop here.

I hope you have a better Valentine’s day, whoever and wherever you are.

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