This war is noise.


Reflection in the festive season.
December 21, 2014, 5:44 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Part one, I’m sure.

This year has been really hard. Having the first poignant death in my life, adjusting to a lot of unsettling things going on, previously and currently, and coming to the realisation that things will really need to change in order for the cycle to stop.

I have finally come around to truly believing I need my own space. That if I stay here locked in the same mind game that seems to be going on, I’ll end up a lot more unwell. Sometimes you grow out of being able to live together. Your views change, abilities change, needs change.

And if people can’t work together, they must move apart.

I’m unsure as to how entirely I’m going to go about it, but I’m now sure I’m going to put things into motion. I guess 2015 is going to be a big year for me, if I follow through, which if I am any decent human being to myself, then I will do.

I’ve had to finally follow through with a decision that I should have just made before. It is definitely the end of things between him and me. The longer that time goes on from finally bringing things to an end, the more at peace I am with it. The behaviour has stayed as inconsiderate and unreliable as it ever was, maybe more so, and I can tell that I really was the glue that kept things together. I finally see the value I really had.

That I will still have when I enter a new relationship. I do want one in my future, and hope when I’m pursuing my healthy life goals that the possibility will enter my horizon x]

I’m also resolving to have a big clear out of things no longer relevant to my life, in order to truly look ahead and stop holding on to all these things that keep me in one space in time. The clutter alone is enough to make you want to, but just knowing how much it helped my head when I cleared a bit last week and was more realistic and less sentimental about it, I’m ready to let go of some things I felt unable to before.

I have found Nanny in my thoughts a lot coming up to Christmas, talking about seating arrangements, what people are eating, card writing, presents, I truly feel her loss close again.

I imagine I will do with my Birthday in the new year as well, as it will too be my first with her gone. It reminds me of how much both of my grandparents have always been so entwined in my everyday life, and I am very grateful that has been the case. I will be acutely aware of how I imagine my Granda will be feeling too, so I will be doing all I can to give him a good day and accommodate anything he needs.

Turning 26 seems so hard to imagine still. I definitely feel like an adult, and feel more like the quarter life crisis is going to go away, as I have found a different strength and need for change in myself. I will be glad to put 2014 behind me, as it has felt like such a year of loss and heartache.

I will make a strong wish to the fates and karma that 2015 will go a lot better for me.

I know most will be making a similar plea, but I would greatly appreciate if mine was answered this year.