This war is noise.

February 13, 2015, 2:33 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Right now I feel so isolated.

Emotionally unstable.

Crying at nothing.

At everything.

Feeling like I regret everything.

Absolutely everything.

Like its all my fault.

Like I shouldn’t have tried.

Shouldn’t have lived to begin with.

If this is really it, if this is all I get, all I can have.

If everyone I ever let myself care about just cuts me out.

If I’m really unimportant to everyone.

Then what am I doing?

I cant make this better.

This hope is dying out.

The light is leaving.

In this vent.
February 11, 2015, 3:36 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I need a space to say all of these thoughts in my head…

…good job that is what this is for x]

I’ve been feeling rather down for awhile, feeling isolated as far as people, afraid as far as my health, stuck as far as my life and choice and freedom. Its all one loud mess in my head, which I’m trying to deal with one step at a time. Its hard to deal with it though when you feel like you aren’t fixing anything, and I find it hard to be okay with just acknowledging something is going on and not trying to fix it.

Which means I’m pretty much always fighting with myself.

I feel like no one is bothering with me right now, and if I wasn’t the one to initiate contact, they just wouldn’t bother at all. I don’t know what I can do any more about that, like if I say well maybe I’m being over sensitive and they just want space, or have other stuff happening, or whatever, then the time goes on and they still don’t try or care. If I get angry about it, treat them differently, then they act like I’m to blame and then they have an excuse to bail and not care. If I get upset and ask for change, they might be sorry, might claim to want to change, and then nothing will change and I’m still left as is.

When did it become okay to ignore people? To start conversations, then when people reply, read it but not reply to it. Intend to maybe, but not. When was acting like everyone was still a human being and had thoughts and feelings optional? Because I sometimes get this notion that I’m the only one that isn’t okay with it.

That people just do this all the time because they don’t want to appear like they need anyone, or they’ve had to make the first move, or put in the effort, or maybe apologise or change something.

I feel like I have been super patient, especially as far as my friends have been concerned.

But I’m still left in this position.

And as for stuff regarding “him”, even with stuff now as friends, that continues to deteriorate and become more…outright disrespectful? I suppose. I can only say the same thing so many times and hope for the best, until you realise its not going to happen. That no matter what they might say, or think they are doing, their actions show lack of care, respect, interest, worth. That you just couldn’t mean very much for a person to treat you that way and be perfectly fine with that level of communication.

The thing is that knowing all this never helps me. I have no one willing to step in to the shoes that are already pretty much unoccupied. How can I find meaning, and take comfort in a world where no one cares about me? How can I feel optimistic about the struggles I face now and may face without any support? Because that is my true reality.

Aside from the counselling I pay for, I have no one to talk to. I have no one who would like for me to talk to them. No one interested, concerned. And it is really hard to find the strength to ignore that and try and focus on everyday things.

To ignore the very loud loneliness I have right now. That adds to the fear, the lost stuck feeling.

This only seems to get worse as I get older, as time moves on.

I’m 26 and already feel entirely irrelevant to everyone.