This war is noise.


The last day of June.
June 30, 2015, 7:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Its been awhile since I’ve posted a regular type of blog entry on here, and although I’m now keeping a physical journal, which I’m very glad I am doing as it does help process things, I can take it in to counselling and is nice to do in my own handwriting, I still want to keep doing posts here as well.

What brought it to the front of my mind was a youtuber I watch/listen to put out a music video and dedicated it to his wife. It was inspired by the fact she is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. He also linked a blog she had started while starting to attend counselling either because of or as well as seeing about finally bringing it to court. The unfortunate thing is that she was unable to get it to court due to the usual “lack of evidence” thing that seems to happen to so many people that try to get justice when they’re ready to. I know to the law that of course physical evidence is very important to these cases, and from what I understand, there was a doctors appointment that if records had of been kept correctly would be circumstantial evidence at least, but as a child, especially if you are self aware, you don’t understand these things, and you also can’t understand that this doesn’t just happen to everyone, even if rationally in there somewhere you know its wrong and definitely should not be happening at all, and if no adults are taking responsibility in that moment, and the offender is never caught, then you just cannot try to get justice until you yourself are an adult, which of course is long after the fact.

I know because after reading all of her posts so far, I totally understood where she was coming from. Although I was not sexually abused, I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I could relate to so much of how she felt, aside from the specifics that relate to that kind of abuse. But actually, I could also relate to some of the feelings she’d had that she related to that, but I would relate to something else. Its also the first time I think I’ve ever seen someone convey those kinds of feelings, written down or otherwise, and also made me realise that I’m not just meant to feel that way because its me.

I’ve been in counselling almost 5 years now I think, and its tough going. I’ve had a lot more to deal with than just the stuff that happened at home when I was a child, including my eating disorder and such, and so I’ve had a lot to process and try to work through. I think it has genuinely helped me understand though that it really isn’t just me. Things that I don’t even question as being because of anything. Thoughts that fly so quickly its unreal, just as she described. Horrible thoughts that have been left to live there so long they swirl around and around without much time to catch them out or direct them to leave.

With me being 26, they’ve had a lot of time to really settle in too, which is partly why its going to be so hard to get them to change. I also never thought someone that could have the kind of feelings I do could also end up married with 3 kids, so that also took the edge off the “my life is a never ending doom” kick I’ve been on the last few days x]

But yeah, I’ve had my eyes opened today, and that’s a good thing. [:

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