This war is noise.

Taken for granted.
July 26, 2015, 1:03 am
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I feel like I’m allowing myself to be taken for granted right now because I don’t want the arguments. I don’t want the self pitying responses, the excuses, the half lies.

I don’t want to be the bad person either, for going off.

Though are they concerned? I doubt it.

My counsellor asked with the kind of friends I seem to have, and people in my life in general, do I ever feel like I’m not emotionally supported? And the answer was yes.

I constantly feel that way. I feel like I’m always trying to be supportive and considerate. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure I say and do the right thing because stuff can go wrong all the time, and I had some awful things said and done to me for no real reason at all. So I can’t trust myself to assure myself of positive outcomes 100%. Which no one else can either, and I do know that, but I feel like its important for me to do so.

In doing that, comes the fact that I then feel I can’t trust anyone with regards to anything about me. So I never go too far or too deep, I don’t call for help and I never show when I need someone.

Because I truly don’t expect my requests to be answered or my needs to be met.

And I really want to feel differently, I do try sometimes.

But the fear I have, the lack of practice, and my trust issues make it a labyrinth I can’t navigate.

When rational starts turn into irrational ends and I feel like I can’t cope, it is like being walled in inside yourself.

You can hear your voice and you’re having all these conversations with yourself, and predicting peoples outcomes, and telling yourself what they must think about you, and so it isn’t worth trying because look at all these times you’ve been hurt?

Look at all these times you’ve been let down.

Look at all this evidence that you’ve never had someone be there for you and not stab you in the back.

When you are raised on fear, you see fear.

When you are raised on mistrust, you mistrust.

I really wish I had lucked out and had just one good example, just one.

So I wasn’t stuck in this strange limbo where I really want new people in my life but I’m afraid of everyone, especially new people that I can’t predict at all.

“They painted up your secrets…
July 19, 2015, 2:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

…with the lies they told to you,

and the least they ever gave you,

was the most you ever knew.”

So after my first full conversation, I see how right I was. We’re still those people who are friends. I had a hint of anxiety that wouldn’t be the case once we started talking outside of emails, but its totally there.

And now I’m thinking about all these different things we both experienced in the past, and then all the things I have experienced since we’ve stopped talking and how so much has changed. And yet things about me haven’t with my illness and stuff and that makes me sad a bit. I read through some blog posts from when I started this, and he was part of my normal life then. And I was so full of hope that I wouldn’t be like I am now. That I wouldn’t still be unwell, and stuck in this life I’m so fundamentally unhappy with. I feel like so much of my life is complaint ridden. Which is why I feel like I can’t talk about it with other people, so its here and counselling. And him, though I immediately feel like such an emo when I go through everything. Its like get to the good partttttttttttt lol. And then it doesn’t come! xD

Ah I dunno. I’m so glad he’s back though, and is willing to put effort in.

I’ve not had that for so long.

That also puts into perspective how things are with other people.

It needs to change, badly. Otherwise I feel alone anyways, so they may as well be removed from my life.

I’m never going to feel better about people if I keep people who treat me badly around.

Regardless of who they are, and how things once were.

Shit needs to get reallll.

We never truly know.
July 17, 2015, 1:31 pm
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An update to the previous post. Contact has continued between me and the person I had finally reached out to, and things have started to make sense.

Some context for this.

Back when we were talking a lot, he was practically my best friend. All the people that had been physically present in my life had left me out, for all intents and purposes, and I had found this new community in a teen chat site, which almost 10 years ago when I started was a pretty different experience to what I imagine they are now. With how ill I was, my sleep was completely off and I had it basically when I was completely exhausted and couldn’t avoid passing out. I ended up talking to people in completely different time zones and continents to me. And although I didn’t necessarily know it then, by the end of it I realised we all had reasons for it. For me and a couple others, it was a health circumstance or social, and for most of the others, an escape. For the couple of years I made friendships, and ended up moderating on the site, and eventually one by one, almost all of my friends ended up either being found out lying about appearances, names or things they’d said, or revealing it themselves and disappearing, because that would be easier than facing everyone.

I was pretty hurt at the time with the few closest I’d made, and by the time I had turned 20 and decided to leave, I left with 2 that I was actively keeping in contact with. Both Australian guys, polar opposite time zones to me but considering I’m still unwell to this day, that’s not been a problem for me. One was in regular contact with me til joining the army, meeting his girlfriend and now being the proud father of 2, which I now keep in patchy contact with, but we’re still friends all the same.

The other, on the other hand, had a turbulent kind of lifestyle, and so after we both stopped using the site, contact got patch until eventually it stopped. A few emails occurred in 2013, but then quickly stopped again, and I could never tell why exactly, because we had this kind of friendship that it clicked in as soon as we talked again like any time passed hadn’t really at all. And the uncertainty was never on my side, I’m rather painfully reliable I suppose, so I was kinda always at the mercy of whether people responded to me or contacted me themselves, so it wasn’t like I needed to make myself more available or anything either, I couldn’t affect it.

And now, with this recent contact re-established, I finally know why.

It turns out he hadn’t even got the email I’d sent 10 days before he tried contacting me, which is so bizarre that we both tried at the same time.

And it also turns out he’d been hiding some pretty big things about himself, which is why he’d found keeping in contact difficult. He’d felt guilty about lying once establishing a genuine friendship with me, on top of all the feelings he’d had while trying to deal with his situation. He had indeed lied about his name, which I was a little surprised about, but he had changed it once, which seemed odd to me at the time for someone 17-18 years old to do, but had got used to the idea and so put any doubts I’d felt about that to the back of my mind. He had also lied about his appearance, he’d used a friends pictures for myspace and dps on messaging things [really dating this now] because he felt that had best represented what he’d wanted to look like. I had suspected this because a different friend who had been talking with him first had sent a picture of “him” before we became friends and he’d sent others that were of “him”, which had different tattoos and face shape, but because from early on I’d seen the differences, we were so quickly becoming good friends, I figured he’d maybe lied at the start but the new ones were of him, or that none were ever actually of him and it didn’t matter to me as much because I had guessed from the start and so never actually felt fooled.

But the real big thing he’d been hiding was that he was transgender, and that that was the reason for the other aforementioned things. That he hadn’t physically transitioned [my comment about the pictures will make more sense now] and online was a place he could act out who he really was and lie where necessary without much chance of anyone figuring it out, and was able to do that without too much thought until being genuine friends with me. He had done exercises so his voice could pass as male, so when we were doing voice conversations and things, that would’ve never give anything away. And as for cams or things, I didn’t like using them because of being insecure about my appearance, and being unwell, staying in one position for too long was impossible for me to do anyways, so I would’ve never asked anyone else to go on one either, so we never ran into that.

So that was finally it, I had a reason. Had the reason. I forgave him immediately for lying, after my experience with the stuff with other people before, and knowing just how different things were then. Also the fact he’d told me and respected me enough to do so, and didn’t just bail on me entirely and write it off as part of the past, still want to be good friends and give me the chance to react however I need to without instantly blocking me for fear of what that reaction might be.

The offer of being open to any questions I might have, about now and then, is also appreciated.

It confirms what I knew and still know, that despite the distance we were still great friends, and still can be. And I am glad I can be included genuinely in his true life, and that his friendship with me will no longer be something he’ll feel guilty about because of not being honest back then.

This hint of joy.
July 16, 2015, 9:30 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m genuinely excited, I got a reply!

An important person that has been absent from my life that I reached out to in the hopes they still could be contacted, got back to me!

I am so happy this is the case. It was seemingly a long shot, but it happened.

I still read the email he sent me 5 years ago, because it is either one of or the nicest thing anyone has ever sent me.

And with the disappointment I’ve had with other people in my life for quite a while, and the fact that I would have never chosen to not have him in my life to begin with, I am so glad the opportunity to be back in contact has occurred.

Yay for it not being too late. [:

I don’t get it.
July 8, 2015, 3:17 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m a little less on the despair spectrum today, so that’s good at least.

However, I have been doing a bit of thinking that has just made me feel a little blah.

Like I have been reading a book I got a couple days ago, and its by a youtuber and I dunno what I expected exactly, but it is different in that clearly people find certain things important that I just don’t.

And definitely not important enough to be immortalised in a book. But people love it, and so is it a me thing? Am I that far removed that people my age and younger find this interesting and informative?

Am I maybe too old for exactly what this is? I just don’t know. Its like everyone living on their phones, apps coming out of their ears, worried about what the latest in celebrities have done next, talking nonsense as well as typing it and apparently its okay to not reply to people even though you’ve definitely read the messages…that last one might be more specific to my situation than the other stuff lol but y’know, I’m starting to feel a bit like an alien.

Maybe that’s just a side effect of the isolation? The anxiety? The depression?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just left behind?

Can I get a lift back to 2007?

Sometimes it all falls out.
July 7, 2015, 4:38 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m sitting here after a pretty hard going day to be honest, and sometimes all the fear and self doubt just falls out.

Just watched a youtuber wedding video, in all of its genuine love and perfection.

And I feel so happy for them, and then the sadness comes.

The sadness comes because I really don’t see how I could have something similar the way my life is, by way of happiness or anything else.

And its not that I’m jealous, I’m really not, I wish them all the luck and love in the world, I think its great, and they are seemingly perfectly matched, from what I can tell as a viewer.

But these things always bring out the fear that maybe this wont happen for me.

Maybe no one is going to love me or want to be with me, let alone marry me.

Maybe  I am never going to know that joy.

What sort of life am I going to have alone?

And this is not from a place of selfcenteredness, where everything has to relate back to me, its from genuine actual fear.

Fear that I’m truly not worthy of any of that. That I’m here to be a spectator, to watch everyone’s happiness from the outside, and torture myself in turn that there must be something super wrong with me to have ended up how I am, like this, alone.

And its not that I want to get married tomorrow or anything. But sure I’d like to feel like its possible.

That I have some hope in a future not just by myself.

Because I really don’t want the alternative. There is no point to a life alone and unwanted.

And as every year goes past I feel more and more like I can’t fix things, that its less and less likely to happen.

In 4 years I’ll be 30, what if I’m still like this then?

I cant. I cant be that. I cant do that.

I don’t want to just be this.

But I know I cant change anything by being constantly afraid of everything either.

I feel so stuck, and have for a long time.

What do I have to look forward to? Really?

I don’t know.

I miss it.
July 6, 2015, 5:50 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I miss having someone truly treasure my heart.

I miss having people value my mind.

I miss having in jokes and deep conversations.

Or just silly meaningless conversations.

I wish a few years ago I really actively appreciated how much that all meant to me, now that I am so isolated.

After being ill, and being forcefully separated from irl friends, and then life stuff happening and growing up separating me from my online friends, and people in my family that I’d have been close to passing away, and other people in my family pretty impossible to relate to on anything other than a surface level, I feel rather lost as to how to reconnect to anything.

Though I suppose I can’t blame myself for not being prepared, no one really should be preparing in the event of everyone just disappearing bar the people that live with you pretty much.

I’m not feeling the usual devastated about it right now, just a bit sad, because I miss it.

Growing up really isn’t working out for me so well, so at least that kinda adds merit to my fear and disdain I’ve had in regard to ageing since entering my 20s.

I also think though that alot of people my age end up feeling this way, especially if the plans they made when they were a teenager havn’t panned out, or things have went wrong, major life stuff has happened and they are now in a position that was previously unimaginable. Inconceivable.

I’ve reached out a little in the hopes of a response. I do miss you.

I suppose with things how they are with another person in my life, trying to put more effort into reconnecting with those friends is probably a good idea.

And the creepy thing is they just signed on as soon as I finished that sentence. WEIRD.

Anyway, just needed all of this to leave my mind and hopefully let me sleep.

As its almost 7am and I am yet to, unfortunately.