This war is noise.

Sometimes it all falls out.
July 7, 2015, 4:38 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m sitting here after a pretty hard going day to be honest, and sometimes all the fear and self doubt just falls out.

Just watched a youtuber wedding video, in all of its genuine love and perfection.

And I feel so happy for them, and then the sadness comes.

The sadness comes because I really don’t see how I could have something similar the way my life is, by way of happiness or anything else.

And its not that I’m jealous, I’m really not, I wish them all the luck and love in the world, I think its great, and they are seemingly perfectly matched, from what I can tell as a viewer.

But these things always bring out the fear that maybe this wont happen for me.

Maybe no one is going to love me or want to be with me, let alone marry me.

Maybe  I am never going to know that joy.

What sort of life am I going to have alone?

And this is not from a place of selfcenteredness, where everything has to relate back to me, its from genuine actual fear.

Fear that I’m truly not worthy of any of that. That I’m here to be a spectator, to watch everyone’s happiness from the outside, and torture myself in turn that there must be something super wrong with me to have ended up how I am, like this, alone.

And its not that I want to get married tomorrow or anything. But sure I’d like to feel like its possible.

That I have some hope in a future not just by myself.

Because I really don’t want the alternative. There is no point to a life alone and unwanted.

And as every year goes past I feel more and more like I can’t fix things, that its less and less likely to happen.

In 4 years I’ll be 30, what if I’m still like this then?

I cant. I cant be that. I cant do that.

I don’t want to just be this.

But I know I cant change anything by being constantly afraid of everything either.

I feel so stuck, and have for a long time.

What do I have to look forward to? Really?

I don’t know.

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