This war is noise.


We never truly know.
July 17, 2015, 1:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

An update to the previous post. Contact has continued between me and the person I had finally reached out to, and things have started to make sense.

Some context for this.

Back when we were talking a lot, he was practically my best friend. All the people that had been physically present in my life had left me out, for all intents and purposes, and I had found this new community in a teen chat site, which almost 10 years ago when I started was a pretty different experience to what I imagine they are now. With how ill I was, my sleep was completely off and I had it basically when I was completely exhausted and couldn’t avoid passing out. I ended up talking to people in completely different time zones and continents to me. And although I didn’t necessarily know it then, by the end of it I realised we all had reasons for it. For me and a couple others, it was a health circumstance or social, and for most of the others, an escape. For the couple of years I made friendships, and ended up moderating on the site, and eventually one by one, almost all of my friends ended up either being found out lying about appearances, names or things they’d said, or revealing it themselves and disappearing, because that would be easier than facing everyone.

I was pretty hurt at the time with the few closest I’d made, and by the time I had turned 20 and decided to leave, I left with 2 that I was actively keeping in contact with. Both Australian guys, polar opposite time zones to me but considering I’m still unwell to this day, that’s not been a problem for me. One was in regular contact with me til joining the army, meeting his girlfriend and now being the proud father of 2, which I now keep in patchy contact with, but we’re still friends all the same.

The other, on the other hand, had a turbulent kind of lifestyle, and so after we both stopped using the site, contact got patch until eventually it stopped. A few emails occurred in 2013, but then quickly stopped again, and I could never tell why exactly, because we had this kind of friendship that it clicked in as soon as we talked again like any time passed hadn’t really at all. And the uncertainty was never on my side, I’m rather painfully reliable I suppose, so I was kinda always at the mercy of whether people responded to me or contacted me themselves, so it wasn’t like I needed to make myself more available or anything either, I couldn’t affect it.

And now, with this recent contact re-established, I finally know why.

It turns out he hadn’t even got the email I’d sent 10 days before he tried contacting me, which is so bizarre that we both tried at the same time.

And it also turns out he’d been hiding some pretty big things about himself, which is why he’d found keeping in contact difficult. He’d felt guilty about lying once establishing a genuine friendship with me, on top of all the feelings he’d had while trying to deal with his situation. He had indeed lied about his name, which I was a little surprised about, but he had changed it once, which seemed odd to me at the time for someone 17-18 years old to do, but had got used to the idea and so put any doubts I’d felt about that to the back of my mind. He had also lied about his appearance, he’d used a friends pictures for myspace and dps on messaging things [really dating this now] because he felt that had best represented what he’d wanted to look like. I had suspected this because a different friend who had been talking with him first had sent a picture of “him” before we became friends and he’d sent others that were of “him”, which had different tattoos and face shape, but because from early on I’d seen the differences, we were so quickly becoming good friends, I figured he’d maybe lied at the start but the new ones were of him, or that none were ever actually of him and it didn’t matter to me as much because I had guessed from the start and so never actually felt fooled.

But the real big thing he’d been hiding was that he was transgender, and that that was the reason for the other aforementioned things. That he hadn’t physically transitioned [my comment about the pictures will make more sense now] and online was a place he could act out who he really was and lie where necessary without much chance of anyone figuring it out, and was able to do that without too much thought until being genuine friends with me. He had done exercises so his voice could pass as male, so when we were doing voice conversations and things, that would’ve never give anything away. And as for cams or things, I didn’t like using them because of being insecure about my appearance, and being unwell, staying in one position for too long was impossible for me to do anyways, so I would’ve never asked anyone else to go on one either, so we never ran into that.

So that was finally it, I had a reason. Had the reason. I forgave him immediately for lying, after my experience with the stuff with other people before, and knowing just how different things were then. Also the fact he’d told me and respected me enough to do so, and didn’t just bail on me entirely and write it off as part of the past, still want to be good friends and give me the chance to react however I need to without instantly blocking me for fear of what that reaction might be.

The offer of being open to any questions I might have, about now and then, is also appreciated.

It confirms what I knew and still know, that despite the distance we were still great friends, and still can be. And I am glad I can be included genuinely in his true life, and that his friendship with me will no longer be something he’ll feel guilty about because of not being honest back then.

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