This war is noise.

Taken for granted.
July 26, 2015, 1:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I feel like I’m allowing myself to be taken for granted right now because I don’t want the arguments. I don’t want the self pitying responses, the excuses, the half lies.

I don’t want to be the bad person either, for going off.

Though are they concerned? I doubt it.

My counsellor asked with the kind of friends I seem to have, and people in my life in general, do I ever feel like I’m not emotionally supported? And the answer was yes.

I constantly feel that way. I feel like I’m always trying to be supportive and considerate. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure I say and do the right thing because stuff can go wrong all the time, and I had some awful things said and done to me for no real reason at all. So I can’t trust myself to assure myself of positive outcomes 100%. Which no one else can either, and I do know that, but I feel like its important for me to do so.

In doing that, comes the fact that I then feel I can’t trust anyone with regards to anything about me. So I never go too far or too deep, I don’t call for help and I never show when I need someone.

Because I truly don’t expect my requests to be answered or my needs to be met.

And I really want to feel differently, I do try sometimes.

But the fear I have, the lack of practice, and my trust issues make it a labyrinth I can’t navigate.

When rational starts turn into irrational ends and I feel like I can’t cope, it is like being walled in inside yourself.

You can hear your voice and you’re having all these conversations with yourself, and predicting peoples outcomes, and telling yourself what they must think about you, and so it isn’t worth trying because look at all these times you’ve been hurt?

Look at all these times you’ve been let down.

Look at all this evidence that you’ve never had someone be there for you and not stab you in the back.

When you are raised on fear, you see fear.

When you are raised on mistrust, you mistrust.

I really wish I had lucked out and had just one good example, just one.

So I wasn’t stuck in this strange limbo where I really want new people in my life but I’m afraid of everyone, especially new people that I can’t predict at all.


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