This war is noise.

So its been a few months.
May 26, 2016, 11:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve had a lot going on. I’ve also been keeping physical journals and so this has unfortunately been neglected.

I’ve felt terrible for weeks. This evening in counselling, I just felt stupid. Beyond help. Pointless.

She got so fed up with me and how I’m being about my eating patterns and stuff atm in fact, she basically said “well if this is what you’re determined to do, what do you want to do with your time here? what can I help with?” and all I could say was “I don’t know”.

I’m trying to help myself, but its never right.

I’m never right.

And now everyone has left. The last link I had to me, the real me, inside behind my health issues, both mental and physical, and all the other things I’m working through right now, is gone.

Everyone leaves, everyone gives up, I’m always left as the only one that cares about me, and its sad and disappointing.

But then I feel like what else can I expect? What can I offer anyone?

Slowly but steadily over the last 10 years, everyone has left.

And I guess I must just deserve it.

It hurts a lot to feel that way to be honest, but it makes the most sense I suppose.

I don’t think I want to be alive any more.

I’ve had thoughts about dying before, since I was 10 years old in fact, so on and off for the last 17 years, but I’ve always had some form of guilt, or something worth holding on to that stopped me.

I don’t think I have that any more, which is distressing of course, but true.

I’m so sick of being tired and sore and ill and sad and alone.

I’m sick of being ignored and invisible, and being scared of being more visible and judged. I’m writing this here and not talking to someone because I have no one to talk to. Because I genuinely have no one that cares, no one that checks in on me. In fact, the only person remotely interested in how I feel, I pay for at counselling. How fucking sad am I right?

I’m sorry to the person I was born as, the little girl that was full of potential that I have clearly let down.

I’ve failed.