This war is noise.


So I return.
May 24, 2017, 5:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s crazy that it’s almost been a full year since my last public post on this page!

It hasn’t been intentional at all and I’m glad that for some reason I did choose to come back now, as before I would’ve updated my written journal, but as I havent done that for a little while, and I feel like I have thoughts going on that are stopping me sleeping, I need to put them somewhere and then address them this evening in counselling.

So what is going on? Well the last week has been difficult, Chris Cornell hung himself, there was an attack in Manchester and I’m in a lot of physical pain.

I’m also dealing with some emotional pain right now.

I feel rather cut off, in a stark way, to anyone that I could still consider as “part” of my life. I feel like no one cares about me, or is interested, or wants me as part of their day. When people are taking weeks to get back to you with a conversation THEY started originally, it’s almost worse than being entirely ignored, because its like they’re going out of their way to ignore you.

I read somewhere that the most important and meaningful relationships you can have or make happen generally between the ages of 17/18 – 28, so if that’s the case then I’m screwed. I’ve seen so many people distance themselves or leave ever since I was 17, and I’ve genuinely felt undeserving of nearly all of it.

It just leaves me feeling like there must be something inherently wrong with me. That if people only bother with me when its convenient or there’s nothing else to do, what does that say about me and my value?

And when you’re in a lot of physical pain and feel like your options are constricted in the first place to change any of this, it makes everything so much harder. It makes living unappealing. It sometimes feels impossible to see any positive future when you’re standing on your own, watching life play out around you that you aren’t allowed to participate in because you don’t count. You dont matter. No one loves you.

A person I care about is taking their first trip out of the country they live in, and for 2 months, which is a good chunk of time for a first, and I’m genuinely so happy for him and proud, and then in the same vein I’m scared. I’m scared things are going to change in a way that will negatively affect just me. He is sometimes the only person who asks how I am in a week. And then when I think things like that about a brave and positive thing he is doing, I feel bad about that cos it comes off as me being selfish or being a hindrance.

And then is that the reason? Am I a hindrance if people keep me in their lives? Do I somehow make people unhappy and so they then cut me off? I mean I guess I dont know how that could be the case because I dont act or talk about when I feel those things because I’m either afraid they’re actually true or that I’ll be putting myself in a bad position by doing so.

Although it wont seem it if you’ve got this far, but I’ve been trying so hard lately to be positive, to put this kind of thinking out of my mind and focus on things I can do and can change, occupy myself, but then I’m also afraid am I just distracting myself from a truth that I should be dealing with at the same time?

Last Hope by Paramore has been a bit of a soul soother lately, as I’ve really needed something positive to reinforce me. I know that when I get to the stage where I start considering when I could have all my bills paid off and things canceled so I could die in a non bothersome way that I’m starting to get very dark. Where it feels easier to just let it all go away and be finally done and rest. Having had those kinds of thoughts ever since I was 10 years old, I feel like I somehow cope better with coming back around from it, but the loneliness really weighs heavily down on that hope.

I do hope I’ll actually be able to relay this during counselling this evening, as I find it very hard to access the part of me that is emotionally present when I’m not on my own, but I need to get this outside of my head and into the hands of someone trained to help.

And hopefully I’ll be able to sleep now too.

I hope all is well and thank you anyone who does read this post.

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