This war is noise.

I miss then.
June 14, 2017, 3:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Although I’m currently feeling emotionally more stable than my last few recent posts, I’m still rather isolated and troubled.

I am making strides in expressing how I’ve been feeling though, especially around my days being practically dictated to by what my Mum plans to do and who will then watch the dog. I’ve almost felt taken hostage of late and that the only space I get is when I go upstairs to sleep. Which isn’t healthy because then I can only decompress there first, and that takes time. Its 4:27am as I type this sentence and getting to sleep after that time doesn’t help me in the slightest lol.

My Mum has 2 appointments to keep tomorrow so it would be useful for me to be awake earlier rather than later to get certain things started or done before being more tied down. Having an 11 month old puppy you cant quite trust yet that is getting bolder by the day really is quite the task lol I do love her but find at times things so frustrating. Being used to a dog I could trust for over 15 years, it has been a hard adjustment the last 6 months to an entirely different dog that is still growing and adapting. And pushing. Oh yes, pushing those boundaries.

I finally had word from him 16 days after his last email. I could scarcely believe him casually updating me on his trip, just “checking in on how I am” like he didnt just ignore me for over 2 weeks for no good reason? I mean honestly, I dont get it. I dont understand people willfully ignoring people for long periods of time for no good reason when we are more connected and able than we have ever been to contact eachother. I feel like it has to mean that he just doesnt care. That he couldnt if this is how things are. How he is towards me. And that is a really hard thing to accept. But I really dont think its something I can ignore anymore, if I somehow have been up to now.

I need new, supportive and positive people in my life so badly. Soon. I hope they come. I am so tired of struggling on my own, watching the people already in my life go – through no fault of my own by the way – or just plain let me down. And I feel like I have no one reliable. And to have no one reliable, to talk with regularly, it affects you.

I hope all is well.

My timing is off.
June 9, 2017, 2:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m currently feeling very isolated.

I’m actually putting my thoughts here after attempts to talk to people about how I’m currently feeling. I feel like no one wants to talk to me or is interested. I try to put those thoughts away and then I get more evidence of it when I reach out. Whats just as bad is no one is reaching out to me. Its starting to really affect me moodwise and even healthwise. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping, even though I’m very tired and sore. When I do sleep, I dread when I wake up again. And then when I check my phone and social media, another day of nothing directed to me.

Its been 2 full weeks since I’ve heard from him, this too made worse by actually seeing him sign on last night for a brief minute or too, with no attempt to leave me anything to explain why I’ve heard nothing, and then no emails or anything followed either.

I tried starting up a conversation with my cousin, as It’d been 3 weeks or so since the last and I’d recently decided to visit her this summer, finally go someplace on my own, and after two replies she went quiet. It makes me feel unwanted. It also makes me question whether I should go or not. I dont want to go there if I’m not actually wanted. Like I’m here thinking it’d be nice for me to go to her for a change as shes normally the one visiting me, and also have the change of going by myself, to somewhere I’ve never been and experience new things, but then I just start wondering am I setting myself up for failure?

Maybe I should move my counselling appointments back to weekly for a little bit, as I’m just starting to feel bad a lot of the time, especially at night when I’m alone to think about everything.

I really hope this changes soon.