This war is noise.

I miss then.
June 14, 2017, 3:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Although I’m currently feeling emotionally more stable than my last few recent posts, I’m still rather isolated and troubled.

I am making strides in expressing how I’ve been feeling though, especially around my days being practically dictated to by what my Mum plans to do and who will then watch the dog. I’ve almost felt taken hostage of late and that the only space I get is when I go upstairs to sleep. Which isn’t healthy because then I can only decompress there first, and that takes time. Its 4:27am as I type this sentence and getting to sleep after that time doesn’t help me in the slightest lol.

My Mum has 2 appointments to keep tomorrow so it would be useful for me to be awake earlier rather than later to get certain things started or done before being more tied down. Having an 11 month old puppy you cant quite trust yet that is getting bolder by the day really is quite the task lol I do love her but find at times things so frustrating. Being used to a dog I could trust for over 15 years, it has been a hard adjustment the last 6 months to an entirely different dog that is still growing and adapting. And pushing. Oh yes, pushing those boundaries.

I finally had word from him 16 days after his last email. I could scarcely believe him casually updating me on his trip, just “checking in on how I am” like he didnt just ignore me for over 2 weeks for no good reason? I mean honestly, I dont get it. I dont understand people willfully ignoring people for long periods of time for no good reason when we are more connected and able than we have ever been to contact eachother. I feel like it has to mean that he just doesnt care. That he couldnt if this is how things are. How he is towards me. And that is a really hard thing to accept. But I really dont think its something I can ignore anymore, if I somehow have been up to now.

I need new, supportive and positive people in my life so badly. Soon. I hope they come. I am so tired of struggling on my own, watching the people already in my life go – through no fault of my own by the way – or just plain let me down. And I feel like I have no one reliable. And to have no one reliable, to talk with regularly, it affects you.

I hope all is well.


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