This war is noise.

May 4, 2020, 2:39 am
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Hello, it feels like forever.

I didnt realise it had really been almost 2 years since I’ve posted here. A lot has happened and changed, not to mention the current worldwide situation everyone is dealing with.

I had the urge to spill some thoughts out that I really cant say out loud or tell anyone. Covid19 and the reaction to it has highlighted some major life issues for me. Apart from affecting appointments and shopping, my life has remained fairly unchanged. There are no activities I am missing, no friends I am missing/missing me. The void for me has become so stark in the light of everything. Reading and hearing about all the experiences and how people are feeling about the quartantine and life during Covid19, it makes me sad for what I don’t have. I’m not in anyone’s life regularly apart from my mum and brother. I feel like my life has truly become of no consequence and kind of pointless. Like I’ve kind of had a fear about being the living representation of just waiting to die and I think that is what has happened. I actually thought about when funerals couldn’t be attended by more than 10 people, that at least if something were to happen to me now, it wouldnt be because no one cared about me that it would be so small. I know this train of thought is dark and sad, and it has been lingering around the last couple months, so maybe if I type it out I can get it out of my system.

The thing is I don’t know how to make any of that better though, you cant magically make people care about you and have a fuller life, and with me dealing with my health issues, both mental and physical, I feel like I don’t have a lot to offer anyone, which then hampers any chance of me pursuing working on it proactively. So I’m at that point of being stuck again. Pretty sure that is a theme for anyone who ever finds this blog.

I feel really bad and sorry to kid me, potential me, that I’ve fucked up my life beyond repair. It’s one of those exercises in counselling to try and connect with yourself, look back on little you and recognise how you feel. I had a panic attack in the shower the last time this train of thought hit me, so I’m also trying not to cause another, but once it starts, the sadness and anxiety take over. I’ve never coped well with failure, so failing myself feels doubly bad I guess.

I hope this finds you well, and that I haven’t made you feel worse by reading this lol I just had to get it out.

So warm.
July 23, 2018, 4:05 pm
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This summer has already been far too warm and I just seen they are threatening an amber warning for a heatwave again, like hellllllllll no save us pale people from this wrath of global warming! WHO SERIOUSLY can deny this now? I dont remember a summer so bad – apart from that one freak one a few years back where fans literally went out of stock for a while –  since summers for me began lol. The weather could also stay like this going into August, I mean I cant. I cant even enjoy this summer because it is uncomfortable to do anything between the heat and humidity. Like you plan to go on longer walks with your dog, go out more in general, maybe catch up with people, but when you leave the front door there is a real chance you’ll just actually expire.

And of course when its too warm, and my dog could literally lie anywhere, she wants to lie on me. And then lets off. SAVE ME.

I know I’m still not great about updating this but I am trying. Things either get busy, or I havent been too well, as my sleep and stuff has been affected too. When there actually was a breath of air, I tried getting a couple things done and then my back got super mad at me. All this while trying to stay positive. Which I am for the majority, I really am because I have been pretty inspired lately by stuff I’m reading and watching and listening to. I’m also getting a visit from my cousin next month which is something positive to look forward to. I just feel the need to vent about the weather right now because it is so uncomfortable currently, and was the same last night. Like people are dying in Japan with the heat, it is no joke.

I know everyone does this, but I really always do – I cant wait for Autumn/Winter time lol really envying Australia right now. As a winter baby, despite how the cold negatively affects my back, I would rather wrap up and try to keep warm all the time than deal with this.

Weather rant now officially over xD

The washing machine was fixed ;D but the dishwasher is done, so we’re saving for a new one. Babies seem to be everywhere, a guy I went to school with just had his first son, a girl I went to school with his having her 5th very soon and my best friend through highschool just revealed she is pregnant last night. I guess as you approach 30, everyone who hasnt already [or has but is still adding lol] is getting ready to drop a kid. I definitely feel ready to get into a serious relationship – if and when that opportunity ever arises lol – but I dunno about kids, sometimes I think having a dog is too much lol. My brother being engaged now and planning to move out next year is now forcing me a bit to consider what I’m doing with my life a bit more, with more immediacy. There has been this childish part of my mind that has been hoping I will win lottery and be able to secure things the way I want before having to make big life decisions.


Bloody washing machine.
July 6, 2018, 11:24 pm
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So…few weeks…yeah I’m a bit slow in getting back into the way of doing this. I am not giving up though. Just obviously not in the habit yet x]

Ruby turned 2 on Wednesday, I was in full good form, wasn’t too sore waking up reasonably early after the last few weeks having some issues sleeping with pain/the heat etc. Then the washing machine noped. In summer. In unreasonable temperatures for a summer here, in the middle of the switch between phases of a cycle [though thankfully a convenient one, rinse had just finished and it was on spin and drain] so I had it drain a few times before having to manually squeeze out the clothes and put them through 2 rounds of the dryer. Then when we called the guy that deals with our white appliances…annual leave until the 9th. D: Thankfully my aunt is going to let me use her machine tomorrow, and then hopefully on Monday we’ll get him early and he will actually appear that day with either a part, or less fortunately but necessary, a new machine.

I had a bit of a difficult counselling session at the beginning of the week, though I think it was necessary. I’ve been considering lately a lot about my issues around anxiety and control and exploring that in my head and how I act. Being as self aware as possible is always the first step so definitely closer to being there x] I’m also becoming more aware of how much difficulty I have connecting with my emotional inner self in front of people. Which I think is a big part of why I seem so very emotional and desperate in a lot of my writing and thought cycles because it never gets expressed any other way. I feel like as a kid I was better at it, especially with singing, but when I hit about 14-15, I all of a sudden became very self conscious as I was afraid of people assuming or figuring out almost how I was feeling or how I felt about something if they seen me sing about it. It felt too vulnerable. I also had a difficult thing emotionally happen at the same time too, a particularly significant argument with my father [who has been dead now 6 years] where he said pretty much the last thing he could have to upset me because I’d become so numb to anything else he’d usually say. Its strange but actually acknowledging this and working through how I felt and why I felt it, and how it has affected me up until this point, is actually helping me feel better.

I’m having very vivid dreams lately, which is nice, I enjoy those kinds of dreams. I think its kinda a shame for people who stop dreaming almost altogether, or people who have a lot of unpleasant or nightmare type dreams. I’ve been very lucky that way, so if I can put a positive spin on today, in making sure to notice one positive thing to be grateful for, is my positive vivid dreams.

Hope all is well [:

Almost a week later…oops.
June 24, 2018, 1:19 am
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But I am here and present!

Today felt long, but in a good way for a change. With it being the 23rd of June [up until almost 2 hours ago] and watching a video about Selene 6.23, I was very mindful of night and wanting to go out and see the moon tonight, and Jupiter! The skies were pretty clear and all the stars were visible, but Jupiter was definitely more obviously bright and there.

Not as large as in the picture example in the video as it depends where in the world you are of course how you see it but yeah, worth watching the video if you’re at all interested.

My brother got officially engaged today, which feels a bit weird saying lol especially since hes younger than me, and my other cousin the same age as me is getting married very soon so I feel like I’ll soon be the only single person in my family lol. I am happy for him though, and thankfully this is not one of the events that triggers the sadness reaction from me.

I’m finally making some progress getting my sleep pattern worked out, though in saying that it is past 2am right now as I type this so its not a done deal yet x] I have noticed this pain I’ve had around my collar bone and almost into my chest though has lessened now that I’ve finally had at least one decent night’s sleep at a reasonable time. I plan on sleeping soon though as I am pretty tired and dont want to lose the little bit of progress I’ve made x]

I dont have much else going on in my head right now as I am all filled with need for sleep/Jonghyun thoughts so I will go sleep and definitely not take almost a week to next post.

Hope all is well [:

Begin again.
June 18, 2018, 10:40 pm
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So here I am returning to blogging as I previously said I would be.

On the 6th month anniversary of Jonghyun’s passing.

I seen a beautiful crescent moon when I went to let Ruby out for the last time tonight, and I thought of him. I have always found it easier to form fond connections to musicians and people who’s thoughts and opinions I admire than to people I can actually interact with on a daily basis, I think there are a few reasons for this – my love of music before anything else, the ability to get to know more about someone without making yourself vulnerable to the same thing, and also inferring stories and feelings from the things they express that you feel are the same as yours. I find it almost impossible now, as an adult, to make any connection to people like that. I would like that to change, of course.

I have been so inspired by him that I wanted to return to documenting and reflecting on things, which I have got out of the habit of doing. As I said before, I feel like I’m either about to or I have started going through some sort of change in my life and I want to have access to how I think and feel right now, before I’d lose it once whatever happens becomes normal for me.

SHINee are doing so well in their comeback, there is so much other good new music all coming out right now which has also been inspiring.

I go from that though to feeling either tired, sad or both. And the thing bringing about these emotions currently, I almost feel like I’m not meant to feel that way about. Other peoples progress and positivity has been making me sad, which sounds awful to say, but when you feel stuck a lot of the time, its hard to shift that spotlight that then forms on yourself in your mind, highlighting the fact that you’re not doing as well, things for you arent good, you’re not the same. And it doesnt come from a place of jealousy, I am happy for the people that are having positive stuff happening, or being happy, I know it is completely a side effect that I give myself because I cant say the same for me right now.

I’m really wanting to focus on changing that, making things better for myself, because I definitely dont want to feel this way.

I hope all is well.

Feeling better about this summer.
June 15, 2018, 2:45 am
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It’s been a while since I could say that I’m feeling somewhat positive about a period of time.

I feel like I’ve done some real work emotionally on myself the last few months and I’m beginning to benefit from it now. Especially with all this new good music coming out atm, how could I not absorb a little of the happy xD

SHINee’s comeback is going so well, Dreamcatcher are my new girl group jam, Ash are back, Ghost are back, State Champs are back, Blossoms are back, Pale Waves new song just came out, I mean it seems like the world is more alive to me right now.

I’ve decided from the 18th of this month onwards, I want to write regularly, everday hopefully, until at least the end of the year. I feel like I’m in the middle of some sort of change and I want to remember how it felt going through it when it eventually becomes the new normal. I read somewhere that when your age ends in a 9, it is often a year of change where you are more likely to sort out your “house”, clean out what you need to and pursue new things, or finally do things you’ve been putting off or are afraid of, and I actually think that could be the case.

I hope all is well with you, whoever manages to find and read this [:

You should for sure check out SHINee’s new single below.

Sorry, I’m late.
March 9, 2018, 4:44 am
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Hello 2018.

I realise it has been a long time since I last typed anything here. I just finished reading what I last posted and already I can feel the difference in that space and time. As an update to the last little paragraph, I still havent found any of those positive and supportive people I was looking for, and still am, but hopefully that will change soon. I’m hoping for just positive change in general.

Last year included some major losses. Chester Bennington from Linkin Park and Kim Jonghyun from SHINee. I really wish I’d been listening to the latter from the start, but as SHINee were debuting in ’08, I was bedbound in agony and not Korean lol so I can forgive myself I suppose. As far as Chester, it was so strange to experience losing someone you’ve listened to since you were 11/12 years old, that was part of opening up a genre in my life, in the middle of an album cycle, with a new video just out too. After 17 years, it really hurt actually, I was surprised at just how bad. I think when you find your bands as an early teen right up until you hit your 20s, you kinda always expect those to be there and then to hear about them when you’re a good bit older either dying well after retiring, or if they’ve been ill or something perhaps, but Chester taking his life, after Chris Cornell, was very hard to take.

I would really appreciate it if 2018 could keep pain to a minimum, after 2016 and 2017, I think we’ve earned a break. I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few days so I thought I would try getting my thoughts out. I’m starting to have a fair bit of extra pain, especially with my neck, so hopefully when my sleep pattern improves that will go away, otherwise I might have to ask for the pain gel again.

I hope all is well and that 2018 will be a good year.