This war is noise.

Sorry, I’m late.
March 9, 2018, 4:44 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hello 2018.

I realise it has been a long time since I last typed anything here. I just finished reading what I last posted and already I can feel the difference in that space and time. As an update to the last little paragraph, I still havent found any of those positive and supportive people I was looking for, and still am, but hopefully that will change soon. I’m hoping for just positive change in general.

Last year included some major losses. Chester Bennington from Linkin Park and Kim Jonghyun from SHINee. I really wish I’d been listening to the latter from the start, but as SHINee were debuting in ’08, I was bedbound in agony and not Korean lol so I can forgive myself I suppose. As far as Chester, it was so strange to experience losing someone you’ve listened to since you were 11/12 years old, that was part of opening up a genre in my life, in the middle of an album cycle, with a new video just out too. After 17 years, it really hurt actually, I was surprised at just how bad. I think when you find your bands as an early teen right up until you hit your 20s, you kinda always expect those to be there and then to hear about them when you’re a good bit older either dying well after retiring, or if they’ve been ill or something perhaps, but Chester taking his life, after Chris Cornell, was very hard to take.

I would really appreciate it if 2018 could keep pain to a minimum, after 2016 and 2017, I think we’ve earned a break. I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few days so I thought I would try getting my thoughts out. I’m starting to have a fair bit of extra pain, especially with my neck, so hopefully when my sleep pattern improves that will go away, otherwise I might have to ask for the pain gel again.

I hope all is well and that 2018 will be a good year.


I miss then.
June 14, 2017, 3:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Although I’m currently feeling emotionally more stable than my last few recent posts, I’m still rather isolated and troubled.

I am making strides in expressing how I’ve been feeling though, especially around my days being practically dictated to by what my Mum plans to do and who will then watch the dog. I’ve almost felt taken hostage of late and that the only space I get is when I go upstairs to sleep. Which isn’t healthy because then I can only decompress there first, and that takes time. Its 4:27am as I type this sentence and getting to sleep after that time doesn’t help me in the slightest lol.

My Mum has 2 appointments to keep tomorrow so it would be useful for me to be awake earlier rather than later to get certain things started or done before being more tied down. Having an 11 month old puppy you cant quite trust yet that is getting bolder by the day really is quite the task lol I do love her but find at times things so frustrating. Being used to a dog I could trust for over 15 years, it has been a hard adjustment the last 6 months to an entirely different dog that is still growing and adapting. And pushing. Oh yes, pushing those boundaries.

I finally had word from him 16 days after his last email. I could scarcely believe him casually updating me on his trip, just “checking in on how I am” like he didnt just ignore me for over 2 weeks for no good reason? I mean honestly, I dont get it. I dont understand people willfully ignoring people for long periods of time for no good reason when we are more connected and able than we have ever been to contact eachother. I feel like it has to mean that he just doesnt care. That he couldnt if this is how things are. How he is towards me. And that is a really hard thing to accept. But I really dont think its something I can ignore anymore, if I somehow have been up to now.

I need new, supportive and positive people in my life so badly. Soon. I hope they come. I am so tired of struggling on my own, watching the people already in my life go – through no fault of my own by the way – or just plain let me down. And I feel like I have no one reliable. And to have no one reliable, to talk with regularly, it affects you.

I hope all is well.

My timing is off.
June 9, 2017, 2:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m currently feeling very isolated.

I’m actually putting my thoughts here after attempts to talk to people about how I’m currently feeling. I feel like no one wants to talk to me or is interested. I try to put those thoughts away and then I get more evidence of it when I reach out. Whats just as bad is no one is reaching out to me. Its starting to really affect me moodwise and even healthwise. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping, even though I’m very tired and sore. When I do sleep, I dread when I wake up again. And then when I check my phone and social media, another day of nothing directed to me.

Its been 2 full weeks since I’ve heard from him, this too made worse by actually seeing him sign on last night for a brief minute or too, with no attempt to leave me anything to explain why I’ve heard nothing, and then no emails or anything followed either.

I tried starting up a conversation with my cousin, as It’d been 3 weeks or so since the last and I’d recently decided to visit her this summer, finally go someplace on my own, and after two replies she went quiet. It makes me feel unwanted. It also makes me question whether I should go or not. I dont want to go there if I’m not actually wanted. Like I’m here thinking it’d be nice for me to go to her for a change as shes normally the one visiting me, and also have the change of going by myself, to somewhere I’ve never been and experience new things, but then I just start wondering am I setting myself up for failure?

Maybe I should move my counselling appointments back to weekly for a little bit, as I’m just starting to feel bad a lot of the time, especially at night when I’m alone to think about everything.

I really hope this changes soon.

So I return.
May 24, 2017, 5:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s crazy that it’s almost been a full year since my last public post on this page!

It hasn’t been intentional at all and I’m glad that for some reason I did choose to come back now, as before I would’ve updated my written journal, but as I havent done that for a little while, and I feel like I have thoughts going on that are stopping me sleeping, I need to put them somewhere and then address them this evening in counselling.

So what is going on? Well the last week has been difficult, Chris Cornell hung himself, there was an attack in Manchester and I’m in a lot of physical pain.

I’m also dealing with some emotional pain right now.

I feel rather cut off, in a stark way, to anyone that I could still consider as “part” of my life. I feel like no one cares about me, or is interested, or wants me as part of their day. When people are taking weeks to get back to you with a conversation THEY started originally, it’s almost worse than being entirely ignored, because its like they’re going out of their way to ignore you.

I read somewhere that the most important and meaningful relationships you can have or make happen generally between the ages of 17/18 – 28, so if that’s the case then I’m screwed. I’ve seen so many people distance themselves or leave ever since I was 17, and I’ve genuinely felt undeserving of nearly all of it.

It just leaves me feeling like there must be something inherently wrong with me. That if people only bother with me when its convenient or there’s nothing else to do, what does that say about me and my value?

And when you’re in a lot of physical pain and feel like your options are constricted in the first place to change any of this, it makes everything so much harder. It makes living unappealing. It sometimes feels impossible to see any positive future when you’re standing on your own, watching life play out around you that you aren’t allowed to participate in because you don’t count. You dont matter. No one loves you.

A person I care about is taking their first trip out of the country they live in, and for 2 months, which is a good chunk of time for a first, and I’m genuinely so happy for him and proud, and then in the same vein I’m scared. I’m scared things are going to change in a way that will negatively affect just me. He is sometimes the only person who asks how I am in a week. And then when I think things like that about a brave and positive thing he is doing, I feel bad about that cos it comes off as me being selfish or being a hindrance.

And then is that the reason? Am I a hindrance if people keep me in their lives? Do I somehow make people unhappy and so they then cut me off? I mean I guess I dont know how that could be the case because I dont act or talk about when I feel those things because I’m either afraid they’re actually true or that I’ll be putting myself in a bad position by doing so.

Although it wont seem it if you’ve got this far, but I’ve been trying so hard lately to be positive, to put this kind of thinking out of my mind and focus on things I can do and can change, occupy myself, but then I’m also afraid am I just distracting myself from a truth that I should be dealing with at the same time?

Last Hope by Paramore has been a bit of a soul soother lately, as I’ve really needed something positive to reinforce me. I know that when I get to the stage where I start considering when I could have all my bills paid off and things canceled so I could die in a non bothersome way that I’m starting to get very dark. Where it feels easier to just let it all go away and be finally done and rest. Having had those kinds of thoughts ever since I was 10 years old, I feel like I somehow cope better with coming back around from it, but the loneliness really weighs heavily down on that hope.

I do hope I’ll actually be able to relay this during counselling this evening, as I find it very hard to access the part of me that is emotionally present when I’m not on my own, but I need to get this outside of my head and into the hands of someone trained to help.

And hopefully I’ll be able to sleep now too.

I hope all is well and thank you anyone who does read this post.

So its been a few months.
May 26, 2016, 11:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve had a lot going on. I’ve also been keeping physical journals and so this has unfortunately been neglected.

I’ve felt terrible for weeks. This evening in counselling, I just felt stupid. Beyond help. Pointless.

She got so fed up with me and how I’m being about my eating patterns and stuff atm in fact, she basically said “well if this is what you’re determined to do, what do you want to do with your time here? what can I help with?” and all I could say was “I don’t know”.

I’m trying to help myself, but its never right.

I’m never right.

And now everyone has left. The last link I had to me, the real me, inside behind my health issues, both mental and physical, and all the other things I’m working through right now, is gone.

Everyone leaves, everyone gives up, I’m always left as the only one that cares about me, and its sad and disappointing.

But then I feel like what else can I expect? What can I offer anyone?

Slowly but steadily over the last 10 years, everyone has left.

And I guess I must just deserve it.

It hurts a lot to feel that way to be honest, but it makes the most sense I suppose.

I don’t think I want to be alive any more.

I’ve had thoughts about dying before, since I was 10 years old in fact, so on and off for the last 17 years, but I’ve always had some form of guilt, or something worth holding on to that stopped me.

I don’t think I have that any more, which is distressing of course, but true.

I’m so sick of being tired and sore and ill and sad and alone.

I’m sick of being ignored and invisible, and being scared of being more visible and judged. I’m writing this here and not talking to someone because I have no one to talk to. Because I genuinely have no one that cares, no one that checks in on me. In fact, the only person remotely interested in how I feel, I pay for at counselling. How fucking sad am I right?

I’m sorry to the person I was born as, the little girl that was full of potential that I have clearly let down.

I’ve failed.

Flowergame Valentines Gift Exchange
February 14, 2016, 12:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

As the forum website that I used to use has been taken down that had a thread for Flowergame, I’m hoping someone will see this and want to accept a gift for the Valentines event. If you’d like me to accept one for you, then please post it in a comment to this :] thank you!

Accept my gift on flowergame! Accept my gift on flowergame! Accept my gift on flowergame!

Taken for granted.
July 26, 2015, 1:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I feel like I’m allowing myself to be taken for granted right now because I don’t want the arguments. I don’t want the self pitying responses, the excuses, the half lies.

I don’t want to be the bad person either, for going off.

Though are they concerned? I doubt it.

My counsellor asked with the kind of friends I seem to have, and people in my life in general, do I ever feel like I’m not emotionally supported? And the answer was yes.

I constantly feel that way. I feel like I’m always trying to be supportive and considerate. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure I say and do the right thing because stuff can go wrong all the time, and I had some awful things said and done to me for no real reason at all. So I can’t trust myself to assure myself of positive outcomes 100%. Which no one else can either, and I do know that, but I feel like its important for me to do so.

In doing that, comes the fact that I then feel I can’t trust anyone with regards to anything about me. So I never go too far or too deep, I don’t call for help and I never show when I need someone.

Because I truly don’t expect my requests to be answered or my needs to be met.

And I really want to feel differently, I do try sometimes.

But the fear I have, the lack of practice, and my trust issues make it a labyrinth I can’t navigate.

When rational starts turn into irrational ends and I feel like I can’t cope, it is like being walled in inside yourself.

You can hear your voice and you’re having all these conversations with yourself, and predicting peoples outcomes, and telling yourself what they must think about you, and so it isn’t worth trying because look at all these times you’ve been hurt?

Look at all these times you’ve been let down.

Look at all this evidence that you’ve never had someone be there for you and not stab you in the back.

When you are raised on fear, you see fear.

When you are raised on mistrust, you mistrust.

I really wish I had lucked out and had just one good example, just one.

So I wasn’t stuck in this strange limbo where I really want new people in my life but I’m afraid of everyone, especially new people that I can’t predict at all.