This war is noise.

My timing is off.
June 9, 2017, 2:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m currently feeling very isolated.

I’m actually putting my thoughts here after attempts to talk to people about how I’m currently feeling. I feel like no one wants to talk to me or is interested. I try to put those thoughts away and then I get more evidence of it when I reach out. Whats just as bad is no one is reaching out to me. Its starting to really affect me moodwise and even healthwise. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping, even though I’m very tired and sore. When I do sleep, I dread when I wake up again. And then when I check my phone and social media, another day of nothing directed to me.

Its been 2 full weeks since I’ve heard from him, this too made worse by actually seeing him sign on last night for a brief minute or too, with no attempt to leave me anything to explain why I’ve heard nothing, and then no emails or anything followed either.

I tried starting up a conversation with my cousin, as It’d been 3 weeks or so since the last and I’d recently decided to visit her this summer, finally go someplace on my own, and after two replies she went quiet. It makes me feel unwanted. It also makes me question whether I should go or not. I dont want to go there if I’m not actually wanted. Like I’m here thinking it’d be nice for me to go to her for a change as shes normally the one visiting me, and also have the change of going by myself, to somewhere I’ve never been and experience new things, but then I just start wondering am I setting myself up for failure?

Maybe I should move my counselling appointments back to weekly for a little bit, as I’m just starting to feel bad a lot of the time, especially at night when I’m alone to think about everything.

I really hope this changes soon.


So I return.
May 24, 2017, 5:00 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s crazy that it’s almost been a full year since my last public post on this page!

It hasn’t been intentional at all and I’m glad that for some reason I did choose to come back now, as before I would’ve updated my written journal, but as I havent done that for a little while, and I feel like I have thoughts going on that are stopping me sleeping, I need to put them somewhere and then address them this evening in counselling.

So what is going on? Well the last week has been difficult, Chris Cornell hung himself, there was an attack in Manchester and I’m in a lot of physical pain.

I’m also dealing with some emotional pain right now.

I feel rather cut off, in a stark way, to anyone that I could still consider as “part” of my life. I feel like no one cares about me, or is interested, or wants me as part of their day. When people are taking weeks to get back to you with a conversation THEY started originally, it’s almost worse than being entirely ignored, because its like they’re going out of their way to ignore you.

I read somewhere that the most important and meaningful relationships you can have or make happen generally between the ages of 17/18 – 28, so if that’s the case then I’m screwed. I’ve seen so many people distance themselves or leave ever since I was 17, and I’ve genuinely felt undeserving of nearly all of it.

It just leaves me feeling like there must be something inherently wrong with me. That if people only bother with me when its convenient or there’s nothing else to do, what does that say about me and my value?

And when you’re in a lot of physical pain and feel like your options are constricted in the first place to change any of this, it makes everything so much harder. It makes living unappealing. It sometimes feels impossible to see any positive future when you’re standing on your own, watching life play out around you that you aren’t allowed to participate in because you don’t count. You dont matter. No one loves you.

A person I care about is taking their first trip out of the country they live in, and for 2 months, which is a good chunk of time for a first, and I’m genuinely so happy for him and proud, and then in the same vein I’m scared. I’m scared things are going to change in a way that will negatively affect just me. He is sometimes the only person who asks how I am in a week. And then when I think things like that about a brave and positive thing he is doing, I feel bad about that cos it comes off as me being selfish or being a hindrance.

And then is that the reason? Am I a hindrance if people keep me in their lives? Do I somehow make people unhappy and so they then cut me off? I mean I guess I dont know how that could be the case because I dont act or talk about when I feel those things because I’m either afraid they’re actually true or that I’ll be putting myself in a bad position by doing so.

Although it wont seem it if you’ve got this far, but I’ve been trying so hard lately to be positive, to put this kind of thinking out of my mind and focus on things I can do and can change, occupy myself, but then I’m also afraid am I just distracting myself from a truth that I should be dealing with at the same time?

Last Hope by Paramore has been a bit of a soul soother lately, as I’ve really needed something positive to reinforce me. I know that when I get to the stage where I start considering when I could have all my bills paid off and things canceled so I could die in a non bothersome way that I’m starting to get very dark. Where it feels easier to just let it all go away and be finally done and rest. Having had those kinds of thoughts ever since I was 10 years old, I feel like I somehow cope better with coming back around from it, but the loneliness really weighs heavily down on that hope.

I do hope I’ll actually be able to relay this during counselling this evening, as I find it very hard to access the part of me that is emotionally present when I’m not on my own, but I need to get this outside of my head and into the hands of someone trained to help.

And hopefully I’ll be able to sleep now too.

I hope all is well and thank you anyone who does read this post.

So its been a few months.
May 26, 2016, 11:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve had a lot going on. I’ve also been keeping physical journals and so this has unfortunately been neglected.

I’ve felt terrible for weeks. This evening in counselling, I just felt stupid. Beyond help. Pointless.

She got so fed up with me and how I’m being about my eating patterns and stuff atm in fact, she basically said “well if this is what you’re determined to do, what do you want to do with your time here? what can I help with?” and all I could say was “I don’t know”.

I’m trying to help myself, but its never right.

I’m never right.

And now everyone has left. The last link I had to me, the real me, inside behind my health issues, both mental and physical, and all the other things I’m working through right now, is gone.

Everyone leaves, everyone gives up, I’m always left as the only one that cares about me, and its sad and disappointing.

But then I feel like what else can I expect? What can I offer anyone?

Slowly but steadily over the last 10 years, everyone has left.

And I guess I must just deserve it.

It hurts a lot to feel that way to be honest, but it makes the most sense I suppose.

I don’t think I want to be alive any more.

I’ve had thoughts about dying before, since I was 10 years old in fact, so on and off for the last 17 years, but I’ve always had some form of guilt, or something worth holding on to that stopped me.

I don’t think I have that any more, which is distressing of course, but true.

I’m so sick of being tired and sore and ill and sad and alone.

I’m sick of being ignored and invisible, and being scared of being more visible and judged. I’m writing this here and not talking to someone because I have no one to talk to. Because I genuinely have no one that cares, no one that checks in on me. In fact, the only person remotely interested in how I feel, I pay for at counselling. How fucking sad am I right?

I’m sorry to the person I was born as, the little girl that was full of potential that I have clearly let down.

I’ve failed.

Flowergame Valentines Gift Exchange
February 14, 2016, 12:35 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

As the forum website that I used to use has been taken down that had a thread for Flowergame, I’m hoping someone will see this and want to accept a gift for the Valentines event. If you’d like me to accept one for you, then please post it in a comment to this :] thank you!

Accept my gift on flowergame! Accept my gift on flowergame! Accept my gift on flowergame!

Taken for granted.
July 26, 2015, 1:03 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I feel like I’m allowing myself to be taken for granted right now because I don’t want the arguments. I don’t want the self pitying responses, the excuses, the half lies.

I don’t want to be the bad person either, for going off.

Though are they concerned? I doubt it.

My counsellor asked with the kind of friends I seem to have, and people in my life in general, do I ever feel like I’m not emotionally supported? And the answer was yes.

I constantly feel that way. I feel like I’m always trying to be supportive and considerate. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure I say and do the right thing because stuff can go wrong all the time, and I had some awful things said and done to me for no real reason at all. So I can’t trust myself to assure myself of positive outcomes 100%. Which no one else can either, and I do know that, but I feel like its important for me to do so.

In doing that, comes the fact that I then feel I can’t trust anyone with regards to anything about me. So I never go too far or too deep, I don’t call for help and I never show when I need someone.

Because I truly don’t expect my requests to be answered or my needs to be met.

And I really want to feel differently, I do try sometimes.

But the fear I have, the lack of practice, and my trust issues make it a labyrinth I can’t navigate.

When rational starts turn into irrational ends and I feel like I can’t cope, it is like being walled in inside yourself.

You can hear your voice and you’re having all these conversations with yourself, and predicting peoples outcomes, and telling yourself what they must think about you, and so it isn’t worth trying because look at all these times you’ve been hurt?

Look at all these times you’ve been let down.

Look at all this evidence that you’ve never had someone be there for you and not stab you in the back.

When you are raised on fear, you see fear.

When you are raised on mistrust, you mistrust.

I really wish I had lucked out and had just one good example, just one.

So I wasn’t stuck in this strange limbo where I really want new people in my life but I’m afraid of everyone, especially new people that I can’t predict at all.

“They painted up your secrets…
July 19, 2015, 2:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

…with the lies they told to you,

and the least they ever gave you,

was the most you ever knew.”

So after my first full conversation, I see how right I was. We’re still those people who are friends. I had a hint of anxiety that wouldn’t be the case once we started talking outside of emails, but its totally there.

And now I’m thinking about all these different things we both experienced in the past, and then all the things I have experienced since we’ve stopped talking and how so much has changed. And yet things about me haven’t with my illness and stuff and that makes me sad a bit. I read through some blog posts from when I started this, and he was part of my normal life then. And I was so full of hope that I wouldn’t be like I am now. That I wouldn’t still be unwell, and stuck in this life I’m so fundamentally unhappy with. I feel like so much of my life is complaint ridden. Which is why I feel like I can’t talk about it with other people, so its here and counselling. And him, though I immediately feel like such an emo when I go through everything. Its like get to the good partttttttttttt lol. And then it doesn’t come! xD

Ah I dunno. I’m so glad he’s back though, and is willing to put effort in.

I’ve not had that for so long.

That also puts into perspective how things are with other people.

It needs to change, badly. Otherwise I feel alone anyways, so they may as well be removed from my life.

I’m never going to feel better about people if I keep people who treat me badly around.

Regardless of who they are, and how things once were.

Shit needs to get reallll.

We never truly know.
July 17, 2015, 1:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

An update to the previous post. Contact has continued between me and the person I had finally reached out to, and things have started to make sense.

Some context for this.

Back when we were talking a lot, he was practically my best friend. All the people that had been physically present in my life had left me out, for all intents and purposes, and I had found this new community in a teen chat site, which almost 10 years ago when I started was a pretty different experience to what I imagine they are now. With how ill I was, my sleep was completely off and I had it basically when I was completely exhausted and couldn’t avoid passing out. I ended up talking to people in completely different time zones and continents to me. And although I didn’t necessarily know it then, by the end of it I realised we all had reasons for it. For me and a couple others, it was a health circumstance or social, and for most of the others, an escape. For the couple of years I made friendships, and ended up moderating on the site, and eventually one by one, almost all of my friends ended up either being found out lying about appearances, names or things they’d said, or revealing it themselves and disappearing, because that would be easier than facing everyone.

I was pretty hurt at the time with the few closest I’d made, and by the time I had turned 20 and decided to leave, I left with 2 that I was actively keeping in contact with. Both Australian guys, polar opposite time zones to me but considering I’m still unwell to this day, that’s not been a problem for me. One was in regular contact with me til joining the army, meeting his girlfriend and now being the proud father of 2, which I now keep in patchy contact with, but we’re still friends all the same.

The other, on the other hand, had a turbulent kind of lifestyle, and so after we both stopped using the site, contact got patch until eventually it stopped. A few emails occurred in 2013, but then quickly stopped again, and I could never tell why exactly, because we had this kind of friendship that it clicked in as soon as we talked again like any time passed hadn’t really at all. And the uncertainty was never on my side, I’m rather painfully reliable I suppose, so I was kinda always at the mercy of whether people responded to me or contacted me themselves, so it wasn’t like I needed to make myself more available or anything either, I couldn’t affect it.

And now, with this recent contact re-established, I finally know why.

It turns out he hadn’t even got the email I’d sent 10 days before he tried contacting me, which is so bizarre that we both tried at the same time.

And it also turns out he’d been hiding some pretty big things about himself, which is why he’d found keeping in contact difficult. He’d felt guilty about lying once establishing a genuine friendship with me, on top of all the feelings he’d had while trying to deal with his situation. He had indeed lied about his name, which I was a little surprised about, but he had changed it once, which seemed odd to me at the time for someone 17-18 years old to do, but had got used to the idea and so put any doubts I’d felt about that to the back of my mind. He had also lied about his appearance, he’d used a friends pictures for myspace and dps on messaging things [really dating this now] because he felt that had best represented what he’d wanted to look like. I had suspected this because a different friend who had been talking with him first had sent a picture of “him” before we became friends and he’d sent others that were of “him”, which had different tattoos and face shape, but because from early on I’d seen the differences, we were so quickly becoming good friends, I figured he’d maybe lied at the start but the new ones were of him, or that none were ever actually of him and it didn’t matter to me as much because I had guessed from the start and so never actually felt fooled.

But the real big thing he’d been hiding was that he was transgender, and that that was the reason for the other aforementioned things. That he hadn’t physically transitioned [my comment about the pictures will make more sense now] and online was a place he could act out who he really was and lie where necessary without much chance of anyone figuring it out, and was able to do that without too much thought until being genuine friends with me. He had done exercises so his voice could pass as male, so when we were doing voice conversations and things, that would’ve never give anything away. And as for cams or things, I didn’t like using them because of being insecure about my appearance, and being unwell, staying in one position for too long was impossible for me to do anyways, so I would’ve never asked anyone else to go on one either, so we never ran into that.

So that was finally it, I had a reason. Had the reason. I forgave him immediately for lying, after my experience with the stuff with other people before, and knowing just how different things were then. Also the fact he’d told me and respected me enough to do so, and didn’t just bail on me entirely and write it off as part of the past, still want to be good friends and give me the chance to react however I need to without instantly blocking me for fear of what that reaction might be.

The offer of being open to any questions I might have, about now and then, is also appreciated.

It confirms what I knew and still know, that despite the distance we were still great friends, and still can be. And I am glad I can be included genuinely in his true life, and that his friendship with me will no longer be something he’ll feel guilty about because of not being honest back then.